I knew this would be bad. I'd read the reviews, seen the trailer. 

But - Mother of God - how bad it was! I mean, it surpassed my most dismal expectations by a factor of 10, 100 even, full orders of magnitude worse even than "The Room". This movie will be studied for decades to come as an example of how bad filmmaking can get. 

This is a movie - that - if they were smart - they'd let you in to free and charge you to escape. If you survived the whole fucking thing it'd be free. If. 

And how Jeff Goldblum and the rest found themselves in it? Well, SHAME. I mean, when it's not trying to rip off Indiana Jones, Star Wars, any of the previous franchises, it's just flailing. An overly "complex" plot and subplots, it's ridiculous - in the extreme. A man on a stage holding a can of soda for 3 hours - at any time about to prise it open with a fizzy pop - would generate far, far more suspense and applause.

Anyways, I seem to have developed a taste for trash lately and I'm thinking it's really time to improve my media diet. Enough with the bollocks already...