It's soccer and our turn to bring the snacks. Fruit and granola bars. This contents most of the children, but there's one, a smaller, chubby kid with a faux-hawk who's a bit confused...

"Do I have to have some fruit?..."  he asks me.

 "No" I answer.

He asks me again.

"Da Da Do I have to have some fruit?"

His parents are nowhere to be seen. 

"Fruit is an important part of a healthy and well balanced diet" I tell him. "I won't make you have any fruit, but you should have some."

A few minutes later, his mouth stuffed with grapes, he starts to talk to me again...

"I'm gonnaa, I'm gonnnaa" he begins, popping grapes in and out of his mouth with his tongue as he speaks, an intense look in his eyes...

"I'm gonna, I'm gonna suck all the juice out of them like like they were bugs and and and I was a a spider" 

I'm thinking to myself, like, WTF, and then it dawns on my that this is probably the best conversation I've had all day....

I let him continue.

"You know spiders, they catch insects and then they....."

 

I'm on the bus, in front of me is a thirty-something Bob-Dylanish guy, in the seat in front of him is a teenager in those silky basketball shorts. The teenager gets up to leave, the waistband of his shorts is entirely around his knees. Not sort-of around his knees, or hanging low on the ass, no, his shorts are around his knees. His underwear, red boxers with a cartoon print, are entirely pulled up his ass. He reaches behind to tug them up, can't find them, has to quickly squat and haul them up, but only a bit, to his thighs.

When he's off the bus I lean forward to the Bob-Dylanish guy and say "If you wanna be cooler than that your going to have to take your trousers right off when you go to get off the bus...."

He turns and looks at me. "WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

So I repeat it, finding it hard to believe he didn't notice the little show in front of him. 

"I wasn't staring at his ass, you know man....I'm not a Homo!!"

It's a bit of a non-sequitor, really. I have only 2 observations which he wouldn't understand.

1) Anyone who denies being a "homo", without having been accused or propositioned, is probably a homo.

2) Anyone who uses the phrase "Homo" is definitely a homo.

My daughter comes with us, she's unusually quiet and well behaved. Makes a demure and false impressions on strangers.

The Yakuza, he tells me, have a death ray. It's part of a vow of revenge they made against North America for the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. It's in space, based on secret technologies developed by Tesla. They've got it aimed at Yellowstone, 2 death rays, actually. When they give the order the rays will fan out and destroy all life in North America. Depopulate it by 80%. It works by seperating the essential electromagnetic field from the body, killing you instantly. They tested it on 2 villages in Japan. No, he doesn't remember the names of the villages, but he'll send me the links. The Israelis, not such nice guys themselves, have actually intervened 4 times to have us saved. Maybe we won't be so lucky next time. He's just telling me as a heads up....

Sometimes I miss our conversations. This one, it's a tough one, but it has to be done.

“One Plus one” I begin “equals two”.

“In your opinion” she counters.

“No, no, always. One plus one equals two”

“How do you know?”

“Let me give you an example.”

I pull a couple of pennies from my pocket, I came prepared.

“But what if you add another penny?” She asks

“then you’re changing the question, or premise….”

“Or used walnuts instead..”

“It wouldn’t matter….”

“You never liked one!”  she sobs….”You think your numbers are so perfect….”