He's completely asexual, he has a girlfriend but in the three years they've been dating they've had sex twice, "I'm not really a fan" he explains to me.
For someone who isn't a fan he takes an unhealthy interest in my sex life, or lack thereof, and pries me for nonexistent details, eventually, getting nowhere he begins to offer advice...
"Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen..." he says, he's follows a certain dating guru and explains to me what I'm doing wrong..."A lot of guys think that if they complement a girl they'll get them, but what you gotta do is insult 'em, tell 'em that lipstick is horrible or that dress makes them look fat...get their attention". This guru, think Tom Cruise in Magnolia.
He ruminates a moment, contemplating his own failures, "I think that's what I've been doing wrong" he says, as if somehow he's been the fount of human kindness, and I have to laugh, any girlfriend of his has to endure his 7:00 PM bedtime, his taste in movies (any docu-drama on WW2), his gifts ("I didn't draw her name in the gift exchange...") his cooking (aged leftovers stirred together in a pan), he's got the recipes for neglect and abuse down to a fine art, only he doesn't realize it...