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What do you think Jabba the Hutt and Princess Leia did
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Jedi Mind Tricks
- Hits: 1483
Now this is an excellent Jedi mind trick you can do with almost any of your dates. What you do is when you're talking bring up the question of what Jabba the Hutt was doing with Princess Leia before she was rescued. This will naturally get your date thinking of what they were almost certainly doing. The possibilities are very exciting and undoubtedly she'll get very excited thinking about it. And naturally as she can't have Jabba the Hutt she'll make do with the next best thing, in this instance that would be you.
But I already paid for that!
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Jedi Mind Tricks
- Hits: 1436
One of my favorite mind tricks I like to play is when I go to pay for something at the store like pop or chips. After the clerk has rung up my purchase I wave my hand in front of his or her face sort-of casual like and say "But I already paid for that". The trick is to say it very calmly and matter-of-factly like you already paid for it. Sometimes they think you did. If they try to say you didn't usually I just return the item to the shelf and leave. Contrary to what you probably believe most Jedi mind tricks only work on smart people and convenience store clerks aren't always that bright.
Morning Cuppa Kopi Lowak, without the coffee
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Miscellany
- Hits: 2441
So it's taken a week, but I've finally gotten used to this new coffee. Which is not to say that it's good, or even bearable, rather more that with time you can get used to anything. I've approached it as a challenge, and although I still find that I max out on 2 cups this is probably a good thing. I make them strong cups, or as strong as the brand will allow, in the hopes that I'll finish the can soon and be able to move onto something a little more palatable.
Being a snob I hate to see myself brought down in the world so, and have taken to decieving myself that it's an extraordinary new and fashionable style of coffee, a sort of decaffinated Kopi Lowak. Sadly this only works until I have to taste it, wherein the reality overpowers the illusion.
But on the good side of things I've been working on some slogans to help you better market it. Completely free, not so much for your benefit but more to help other consumers avoid falling into the same trap I did. Here are some of my ideas:
"Everyday Market Brand" - Now truth be told this is the only Everyday Market Brand product I've tried, and rest assured I've been curious to see what you could do to eggs and milk, but, well, enough is enough and there isn't a chance. Not even if you paid me. Still, if all other products in this line are made to double the standards of this coffee the following slogan will probably hold true:"Colonary Excellence" .
It's an award I made up and have given this brand. You sort of emboss a little gold seal in the label somewhere, with that tagline. People will think you've won an award. In a way you have. And if they read the label, as I did, they'll know exactly what you won it for. Many people can't spell or properly sound out words, and this is probably exactly the market you were looking for.
And then there's this: "The fecal brew that's good for you...". Not that it's good for you, but it's probably good in that it'll help you to stop drinking so much coffee. So you can advertise it on health benefits.
Sadly that's about it. There are of course countless adjectives that can help you to endorse this product, and with the advances being made in stem cell research and genetic engineering there is the possibility that they will one day be able to breed an adman who will somehow survive the taste of it and be able to validate my analysis with more extravagant and luscious descriptions. Until then please feel free to make use of my genius.
Jeremy & Ruth
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: People
- Hits: 1756
I worked with Jeremy and Ruth when I lived in London. Jeremy was a Manchester lad, late 20's, perhaps 5'10" tall, but his slender build made him look much taller. He had a rubber face with bulging eyes, long stringy brown hair tied up in a pony tail, creases in his cheeks that made Iggy Pop look like an advertisement for Oil of Olay. The girls loved him, he had a certain rough vulgarity they warmed to, working the counter there would often be a posse of much younger girls vying for his attention. He would say the rudest possible things over the heads of the customers, carrying on preposterous conversations with staff, one suggests he should pursue older women, nods at an elderly lady, Jeremy performing a grotesque pantomime - "But can she pop her teeth out...."
(here an illustration with tongue in cheek and two hands held up to his mouth)
"...Otherwise she's no good to me..."
One man gagging on his burger, his friends patting him on his back, wondering why he's choking, he's overheard one of Jeremy's conversations. Never a complaint, somehow he had mastered the art of invisibility, able to perform the most incredible feats of impudence in front of customers, unnoticed, unobserved.
We had a few of the Manchester lads working for us at the diner. Julien, as rude as Jeremy but forever being caught out, Ade the cook, their loud laughter, cries of "Boyzee" as they shook and snapped their wrists over some shared joke.
And Ruth, the manageress, plump, pleasant blonde who had her own outrageous stories of lovers met in the adult shops of Soho.
She would party with the staff, I'd find out when they developed pictures and passed them round, Ruth drunk in compromising poses with assorted members of the Kitchen. Jeremy calling her down, I asked why the hostility, she was fair, more than fair, with them. He pauses for a moment and gets serious.
"We don't think that Ruth likes herself very much...."
he began.
"...Therefore, we don't like her either."
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