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Diamonds of YouTube

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Written by: Rod Boyle

Category: Miscellany

Published: 27 January 2019

Hits: 1678

13 degrees today, an amazing day, the season fast approaches and I'd better familiarize myself with my target.

Diamonds. Why not? Go big or go home. 

I've looked at a million pictures of diamonds, rough and otherwise, and am starting to get a feel for the subject. And then I get onto the clickhole of youtube.

Rough diamonds, searching, searching, buggerdly fuck for information. Like, I'm not looking for a map, I have that, I just want some good images, but - like most of the internet it's largely bullshit.

Videos with poor images enlarged to 100 times their original size, computer generated voiceovers. Bad, bad, bad. Then there's the people trying to sell shit, parcels of rough diamonds, they're OK. 

Then there's the "Independent Prospectors", fucking nut-jobs every one of 'em. I mean, hold a piece of quartz on a tray with a piece of silk. Hold it in your left hand. The silk lends value to the piece of quartz. With your right hand wave your phone around the quartz, don't let it focus, and talk about the diamond you found. Or just throw it on an old newspaper - nothing persuades me of success and quality like a Nigerian newspaper. Or a slideshow of rocks that - even to my limited knowledge - are clearly not rough diamonds. River cobbles, Calcite, Citrine, talk about that 2 kg (10,000 Carat) chunk of "diamond" you found and press the $10.00 diamond tester you bought off E-bay from China against it to "prove it's real" and then rail for a bit about how the jewelers don't know anything and they're inflating prices by not buying your piece of diamond at the more than reasonable price of $100.00 per Carat but if you, the educated you-tube viewer are interested please contact at...

You can't even parody this stuff, but I've got a lot of rocks to sell and so maybe I should start making a few videos of my own...