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Fussy
- Details
- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: People
- Hits: 2021
He's a bit fussy, this regular, owns a high end dealership that sells cars to people with more money than imagination.
Fine cars, cars that everyone stops to admire, cars that advertise you're in the midst of a midlife crisis and can afford the very best that money can buy, but you haven't had an erection in 20 years...
You know them.
Immaculately dressed. Shoes, expensive, polished, no scuffs, suit, tailored, coat, brushed, always well put together. You'd expect this if you did what he does.
He's fussy, has a regular table, never has a reservation but expects his table to be held for him regardless. If it's not, or if there are other reservations on "his side" of the restaurant, he might just walk out. Before sitting down he wipes his chair of imaginary crumbs, inspects his wine glass for water spots, he doesn't drink wine, uses it instead for sparkling or soda water, never drinks wine, I've seen him a couple of times, at his staff Christmas party, after only a couple of glasses he's out of control, it's better he doesn't.
He orders, usually something not on the menu, a few sides, he doesn't pay extra, that's how it here, if you can afford to pay you probably won't have to, if you can't, well, don't order it...
He spends nothing, is in 4 to 7 times per week. His own bill, it's small, under $30.00, for us, that's not small, that's tiny. And he's cheap, tipping 15%, really, not worth the time or effort, but sometimes he brings in customers, friends, and they spend money, tip properly, and so you gotta put up with a lot of the bad to get to the good.
By which I mean he's not tough to serve, not a "bad" guy, but he always gets what he wants, and it's easy to be the good guy when your getting your way. The test is when you're not getting what you want, how you respond in the face of adversity, he doesn't do so well there...
He's bought an elk off of some Indians he knows, dropped it off at the restaurant, the owner offered to "help him" clean and quarter it but then the car dealer, he got sick, squeamish, couldn't deal with it, and so the owner cleaned the meat up himself and put it in the freezer and told C**** that he could pick it up anytime. He knew he was being fucked but he just wanted the meat out of his freezer...
It hasn't left the freezer. When he came in the next time he started ordering his Elk in a variety of ways, ground up in hamburgers, as scallopine in various sauces, the owner doesn't like this, it's a pain, the first time he charged him $18.00 for the service. The sauces, the sides of gnocci, vegetables and pasta that accompanied it, C**** queries me on it, "You know it's my Elk?" he asks me, "Does (*the owner) know?" and I tell him yes, he pays, grudgingly, but continues to order it.
He brings in guests, orders his Elk by saying "Tell (*the owner) I want my special Veal", excessive nodding and winking, his guests ask "What's that?" and "I''ll have what he's having" and comedy ensues. C**** doesn't like sharing, it's his Elk, and you see within this small selfishness a real impoverishment of spirit and imagination.
Every day, as he's leaving the owner tells him to take the rest of the Elk, bids the Nephew to carry it out to the car for him, it's cleaned, ready, the owner wants it gone, C**** makes excuses, he's driving a nice car, doesn't want it on the seats, he has a meeting, he faints at the sight of raw meat...
A busy night before Christmas. It's busy, C**** comes in with a couple of the restaurants regular demons, all special orders, C**** his "Special Veal", his buddy, 2 different dishes in varying portions combined as one, his buddy's girlfriend, an old school chef's salad with boiled egg and chicken and bacon and all the fixings...
...they hear the singing in the back, who can't? The owner is letting loose, opinions are being screamed at full volume, they sit hushed and quiet, they know they've taken it a bit far...
...afterwards, time to pay, leave, C**** approaches the owner "I'll pick up my Elk now..." and the owner, still busy, screams at him, another time, he's too busy now, and the sly bastard, he's still got the Elk in the restaurant freezer and is still ordering his special Veal...
The Nephew's Parrot
- Details
- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Conversations
- Hits: 1939
...and the Nephew tells the story of how when he was 10 years old his family had a parrot, and all the parrot could say was "Fuck You A*****", which it had picked up from his father...
In the smallest of things you can find the greatest of explanations...
The Highlander
- Details
- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: People
- Hits: 2095
...That's what the nephew calls him, regular customer, older, maybe 70. Used to come in a few years ago with his Oxygen tank, would overhear him discussing his forthcoming lung transplant, hard to find suitable donors, and his friend was suggesting all the third world countries where you buy a new set of lungs, no questions asked, India, China, other places, but the Highlander, he's fussy, gotta be the right size and fresh and all...
He's still around, in once or twice a week, he's gotten his new lungs but the cancer's spread, he's got skin grafts and bandages all over his body, his face, bandages, obvious scars where he's had tumors removed, it's not just lungs, he's now a composite of no less than a dozen people, he's ignoring all clear signals that it's time to depart, he's got some unfinished business and so the doctors keep swapping out parts and adding new grafts, the nephew's convinced, despite his dire appearance, that he's going to live forever...
A short joke about Bill Gates
- Details
- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Miscellany
- Hits: 2693
It's not really about Bill Gates, I've heard it about others before, but it's possessed of a certain dark humour that I rather appreciate and so I'll repeat it here...
Bill Gates is in the airport and is recognized by an old classmate of his...introducing himself: "Bill, don't you remember...it's me, Bob, I was a year behind you...we had the same math teacher..." and poor Bill, he doesn't remember either him or any of the stories he's telling but he doesn't want to appear rude...
Bob continues..."Say, Bill, I'm going on vacation with this girl, just been dating her a bit, and you know, wouldn't it be swell if you came up and said hi when we're talking? I mean, you've done well and all and she'd be impressed..." and Bill, ever the sport, agrees, and Bob goes back to his guest.
After a short amount of time Bill approaches the couple, they're deep in conversation, Bill waits a moment and then interrupts..."Bob? Bob? Is that you? I can hardly believe it..." to which Bob turns and curtly responds "Fuck off Bill! Can't you see I'm talking to someone?"
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