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The Quartering of G***
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Miscellany
- Hits: 2425
And it's begun, the quartering of G***. Some of the customers, a lot of them, they're going to miss him. Not so much that they'd boycott the place, after all, why confuse ethics with good food? But still, they liked him.
Others are a little less kind. They're the sycophants that declare to the owner they never liked his style of service, found him rude, abrupt, ill-timed, too aggressive, all of which can be forgiven if you know where he worked. They're shitbags, we keep our mouths shut, but they're not our favorite customers...
The owner, he's rejoicing, these post-mortem testimonials, they're all he needed to indict, condemn, him, meanwhile he'd tolerated S** and Z** for years, servers who'd polarized the customers far more than G***, a lot of our customers liked G***, the Nephew, his replacement, is easily more despised by a long shot, but nobody's complaining about him...
...and lets be real, if everybody likes you, we've a thousand regulars, well, if everybody likes you, well, something's wrong...
And G***, he's calling A******, wants to talk, about the restaurant, about nothing, he's in despair, and I can't help but think how fucked up do you gotta be to miss this place? Really?
Other Peoples Tragedies...
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Miscellany
- Hits: 1829
"There is always something infinitely mean about other people's tragedies" - Oscar Wilde.
And the tales of the tragedies wrought by the recession are legion...
"I had to lay off 64 people" begins one regular, no word as to the fate of those he laid off, merely that we should somehow feel for him, empathize that his profits are almost entirely reduced to the work of his own hands. Another has had to sell his car, buy a cheaper model, yet another cancelled his annual trophy hunt in Europe. The best, a customer complaining about the cost of a new windshield for his Bentley - "Guess how much" he asks us, "$1500" guesses one, "$5000" I guess, "$7000" he tells us, "Use my car" I generously suggest, offering the keys, "Once around the block and you'll return to your world a changed man...".
These people, other peoples tragedies, they haven't got a clue...
The Great White Hunter
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Conversations
- Hits: 2149
We've a late table, another one that doesn't understand when exactly we close, and makes an afternoon of a "business lunch". The one, an elderly Italian, the other, a strapping, blousy tart, coworker of the Italian.
The owner discovers them, he's in a rare temper today, swinging between extremes, sits down, begins to work on the tart...
He tells her of his hunting, he's bagged a trophy whitetail deer. I can hear the conversation from where I stand watching the table, trying not to eavesdrop, but they're the only table in the restaurant...this is true.
When she goes the bathroom he confirms with the guest that she's not his lover...doesn't want to be too forward...indiscreet...
He's shot a couple of elk, they've gotten away...true. "Coyote Food" is how he describes them to me, they won't live, but somehow they eluded his stalking...
But the story's just gotten a whole lot better, he's drawing in the blousy tart...
"I tracked it for 4 hours through the snow, following the blood, I was amazed it lived, and then I discovered the scent had been picked up by a grizzly bear...it charged me...what was I to do? I didn't want to shoot it, although it was charging me, so I fired into the air..."
And we've crossed the line here into complete and utter bollocks, but if she buys it, well, good for him...
Mickey Mouse Via Public Domain
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Ideas & Questions
- Hits: 2333
"Adam Ruins Everything" explains how corporations have seized and monopolized the right to public domain artworks. Well. And maybe you guessed who the culprit is?
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