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Morning Cuppa Kopi Lowak, without the coffee

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Written by: Rod Boyle

Category: Miscellany

Published: 22 March 2009

Hits: 2284

So it's taken a week, but I've finally gotten used to this new coffee. Which is not to say that it's good, or even bearable, rather more that with time you can get used to anything. I've approached it as a challenge, and although I still find that I max out on 2 cups this is probably a good thing. I make them strong cups, or as strong as the brand will allow, in the hopes that I'll finish the can soon and be able to move onto something a little more palatable. 

Being a snob I hate to see myself brought down in the world so, and have taken to decieving myself that it's an extraordinary new and fashionable style of coffee, a sort of decaffinated Kopi Lowak. Sadly this only works until I have to taste it, wherein the reality overpowers the illusion.

But on the good side of things I've been working on some slogans to help you better market it. Completely free, not so much for your benefit but more to help other consumers avoid falling into the same trap I did. Here are some of my ideas:

"Everyday Market Brand" - Now truth be told this is the only Everyday Market Brand product I've tried, and rest assured I've been curious to see what you could do to eggs and milk, but, well, enough is enough and there isn't a chance. Not even if you paid me. Still, if all other products in this line are made to double the standards of this coffee the following slogan will probably hold true:"Colonary Excellence" .

It's an award I made up and have given this brand. You sort of emboss a little gold seal in the label somewhere, with that tagline. People will think you've won an award. In a way you have. And if they read the label, as I did, they'll know exactly what you won it for. Many people can't spell or properly sound out words, and this is probably exactly the market you were looking for.

And then there's this: "The fecal brew that's good for you...". Not that it's good for you, but it's probably good in that it'll help you to stop drinking so much coffee. So you can advertise it on health benefits.

Sadly that's about it. There are of course countless adjectives that can help you to endorse this product, and with the advances being made in stem cell research and genetic engineering there is the possibility that they will one day be able to breed an adman who will somehow survive the taste of it and be able to validate my analysis with more extravagant and luscious descriptions.  Until then please feel free to make use of my genius.

Mucheatos Doritos

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Written by: Rod Boyle

Category: Miscellany

Published: 19 March 2009

Hits: 2678

In the shop yesterday I spotted a chip bag with a big dollar sign on it. And while not particularly materialistic the bills have grown a little out of control and I thought to myself "Why not buy a bag of cash?" and so I checked the ingredients, which didn't list any money but maybe it goes by a fancy technical name like "Sodium Acetate" or "Calcium Hydroxide" instead and so I picked it up on the off chance that it was my lucky day.

As luck would have it it wasn't. But there was a contest on the back which promised the possibility of a $25, 000 prize if I could name this mystery brand of Dorito. I'd have to go to www.doritosguru.ca and submit my idea for promoting this as-of-yet unidentified nacho chip. 

Maybe it was my lucky day. I've always fancied that I'd have been a brilliant advertising genius, if that was what I went in for....

I've had some ideas for a certain coffee I've tried lately. But that's a different post.....

So I munched thoughtfully trying to identify the many subtle flavours that accompanied this chip. And I mentally plotted my campaign. When I got home I made a list and then a special mental map, with loads of macaroni and toothpaste and different colored crayons. And then I went onto the contest website, where I discovered I might as well have saved myself the trouble as they were ending the contest tomorrow (today) and there was not going to be any way I could put together a commercial with that short notice. Which was a shame, because as my map would attest I had some pretty damned fine ideas. Which, to secure their copyright, I'll share with you here.

1. Chili Doritos
2. Lime Doritos
3. Chili Lime Doritos
4. Chili with a hint-o-lime Doritos (It was St. Patrick's Day!)
5. Hint-o-lime Chili flavored Doritos
6. Savoury Chili & Lime Doritos
7. Savoury Chili & Tangy Lime Doritos
8. Savoury Chili with Tangy Lime and various Cheese additives Doritos, Now with ADDED SODIUM ACETATE 
9. New & Improved Doritos

Of course there were more ideas but I'd have to call in favours from Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford, which I didn't want to do as there wasn't time. But I went on the website and was amazed by how many good ideas they had already gotten  (Not great ideas, like mine, but still damned good).

For the television commercials (30 second spot) I'd have a Chili on a white tabletop. A small red shrivelled up chili. Then I'd have a chip approach it. Hands would make them do naughty things. Then Donald Sutherland would say "New Chili Doritos. They're hot.".

Or try the lime commercial. A lime or stunt-lime on a white tabletop. (10 seconds). Then a hand would bring in a chip. They'd do naughty things. Then Donald Sutherland would say "New Lime Doritos. They're Limey."

The Chili Lime Doritos Ad was the best one I didn't make. There would be a dried shrivelled up chili on the table. A hand would bring in a lime. They'd do naughty things. Then a chip would come in. The hands would fight. The chip, chili and lime would break it up. Then Donald Sutherland would say "New Chili Lime Doritos. Don't fight over them."

Then there was the amazing idea of the "Mucheatos Dorito". You don't get to an idea like the "Mucheatos Dorito" without first going through the other ideas.

"Mucheatos" would be a plump Mexican stereotyped character with a sombrero and curled mustache  but you wouldn't know it because he wouldn't be seen. You'd see people talking about him under their breath in Mexican. "Mucheatos Dorito" they'd say. Then they're would be an Aztec Pyramid. A man (Harrison Ford) walking through flames with a bullwhip in his hand, the pyramid in the background. A giant Anaconda would slither down the pyramid. There would be a spinning Aztec Calendar, the kind they always show when they tell you the world will end in 2012. Then Donald Sutherland would say "Mucheatos Doritos. Only until 2012".

That was the $25, 000 idea. As you'll no doubt agree, they were getting it cheap, but I was kinda grateful as their chip got the taste of the other campaign I've been working on outa my mouth. The coffee campaign. Which is a different post....

Morning Coffee - tastes like a Colonic Irrigation

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Written by: Rod Boyle

Category: Miscellany

Published: 17 March 2009

Hits: 2392

Gagging my way through my second (and final) cup of coffee of the morning I think I've put my finger on it's unique flavor. 

Inspired by the frequent abdominal spasms that seem to accompany this foul brew, here's the tagline I'd write on the can to promote it's many virtues:

"Everyday Market Coffee - Every Cup tastes like a Colonic Irrigation done through the mouth..."

Of course, on it's own the slogan sort of falls down, which is why I picture a television advertising campaign for the product that features an attractive actress bent double retching over the toilet, close up of a broken cup and strewn coffee & grounds across the floor; background narration by Donald Sutherland.

Should any of the ad-geniuses from Shoppers wish to borrow this catchphrase, or contact me regarding further ideas for the promotion of this brand, please feel free to do so without any obligation of reimbursement. It's reward enough knowing that somewhere there's truth in advertising. Now excuse me while I go to rinse out my mouth.