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Invisibility
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Jedi Mind Tricks
- Hits: 1818
Most people don't know that Jedi's can become invisible. This is because it wasn't shown in any of the Star Wars movies. Well, it was but probably you couldn't see it because they were invisible. Anyways, as you can imagine it's one of the most useful mind-tricks out there.
Now I can't tell you how it's done, except that it takes a real Jedi Master like myself to be able to do it properly, but I can tell you that there's a lot of practice involved. Mostly in the dark with your eyes closed.
Pictured at left: Me and my lightsaber, using the Jedi Mind Trick of invisibility. I've turned off the lights so you can see the lightsaber better.
Telesolicitors
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Rants
- Hits: 2870
3, 4, 5 times a day they call. The Old Timers Hockey League. The Canadian Liver Foundation. The Heart and Lung Foundation. The Diabetes Foundation. Apparently you can't have an organ without some group of people wanting to fundraise for it. And the charities..."Christians against poverty", which implies everybody else is for it. Or the "Firefighters for children" and the "Policeman's Calendar", funds used for the Children. Children are a great cause, they tear at the heartstrings. If you're going to raise money, do it for the children.
I've often wondered if the police ever check your calendar subscriptions when they're pulling you over, if your speeding ticket goes down because you like to see burly officers without their shirts on helping children.
I made the mistake once of actually making a donation over the phone, "Miracles for Children" or some such cause, which is where I think it all started. I got on a bad list, my name was traded like shares, the sucker list passed out and sold to a hundred other charities and telesolicitors.
More often than not there's dead air when you answer and sometimes you're requested to hold while your call is transferred to a live agent. Something about this abuse of technology offends me. Or you listen to a prerecorded message advising you you've won a prize in a contest you didn't enter. And they leave a number to call back. And I have to wonder who is stupid enough to call these people back, but I know the answer: Old, lonely people, bereft of family, varying degrees of senility, calling because they're lonely and want to talk to someone, anyone, even a telesolicitor, and this is on what the sharks are feeding.
There was the false sense of relief when the government created it's do not call list. Which you can register for here. But I've gotta warn you, I've recieved more calls since registering than ever I did before. It doesn't stop charities from calling you. Or local newspapers. And the low long distance rates now mean you'll be getting calls from all over the USA and even as far away as Columbia. I almost suspect it's yet another list the government puts you on and trades with other countries, somehow fulfilling our commitment to NAFTA.
I stopped answering the phone after a particularly inept call from the Calgary Herald. The girl began:
"Mrs. Lovejoyce, we'd like to offer you...."
I interrupted - "There is no Mrs. Lovejoyce at this residence."
She continues - "...great promotion, a free week of the paper of your choice...."
I repeat myself - "There is no Mrs. Lovejoyce at this residence....".
She doesn't hear me and keeps babbling. I hate to be rude but I interrupt yet again: "I'm sorry, you must have a wrong number, there is no Mrs. Lovejoyce at this residence.". Now there is no way anyone could mistake my voice for that of a woman. Any woman. And maybe there was a break in her script or something because this time she seemed to hear me. There's a pause while she regroups and begins again:
"Well, Mr. Zelinski, there's no reason you can't take advantage of this excellent promotion...."
I hung up.
LET IT DIE: Rushkoff on the economy
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Link of the day
- Hits: 1731
An interesting take on the current economic meltdown in the US and other places. Overall I'm inclined to agree. Read it here. Amazing how such "Folk Wisom" is common among the masses, and yet entirely absent amongst government.
Fork through Hand
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Jedi Mind Tricks
- Hits: 1677
Sometimes when you're out you'll be called upon to display your mastery of the Force. And if the Force isn't with you at that particular time it can be quite embarassing - which is why it helps to have a few magic tricks up your sleeve. One trick I sometimes do when people want proof that I'm a Jedi is the "Fork through the Hand". To do this trick usually you want to pick a woman and have her try to stick a fork through your hand. You should use a fork because knives can be very sharp and you don't want to risk hurting yourself. Spoons don't impress anybody. When she tries to stick the fork through your hand you don't wince or anything, just use your Jedi powers to pretend you didn't feel a thing. They will be very impressed.
Tip #1: Don't put your hand on the table or against anything when you do this trick. If you do it might hurt a lot.
Tip #2: Don't let a short guy try to put the fork through your hand because they will try to kill you out of jealousy and that might hurt too. It's just the way they are.
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