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Xmas Movies

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Written by: Rod Boyle

Category: Film

Published: 28 December 2022

Hits: 690

Xmas Eve, Day, Boxing Day, today even, as Xmas Day was on a Sunday and nobody wants to pay overtime.

I'm trapped in somebody else's Christmas dream. Worse yet, they are most probably trapped, however well intended, in my Xmas nightmare...

Netflix, the TV, on 16/24 hours, playing inane Netflix Christmas Movies. And - as there's no place to go, everything is closed, I'm obliged to sit around and watch them. 

This is spiritual suicide.

The first movie, something about a couple getting married, the families names "Christmas" and "Hope" and so following the wedding it becomes "Christmas-Hope". 

I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. 

"Starring" Kelsey Grammer, Elizabeth Hurley, John Cleese...

I'm surprised at the Elizabeth Hurley because the last movie on Netflix I watched - "Glass Onion - A Knives Out Mystery" - 'starred' Hugh Grant as the sexually ambiguous housekeeper designed to lend emotional/personal depth to our protagonist Benoit Blanc. I shudder to think that this is Daniel Craig's retirement.

Now this movie, not nearly as well written, merely hashing up stereotypes, setting the Xmas in a "quaint" English Village with beautiful, homogenous people, it's setting the type. The themes. 

And it's inane. Beyond belief. You watch it like you'd watch a train-wreck. You can't look away. A beautiful estate, worth in the tens of millions of pounds, millions of pounds a year on the upkeep alone...these comprise our "relatable protagonists".

And dialogue, acting - well...this was filmed in one take. The stars, 'stars' how they've fallen, and I can't figure out why they're here. 

I google "Kelsey Grammer". Why is he fucking here? Ooops. He lost 2 of his half brothers to a shark attack. I'm not making this up. And this - THIS - is probably the least traumatic thing you can say about him, look him up if you dare. The drugs, alcohol, rehab, they've got nothing on his life. Bloody hell.

Obligatory Black Guy driving Rolls-Royce he presumably didn't steal and Lesbian waiting to pounce from the closet. 

The plot meanders in every predictable way towards it's happy ending. I mean, it stoops lower than most, but it gets there. 

Summary, probably filmed in "1 take", over a weekend (rental of the mansion - expensive), feeble, appalling humor, the "stars" were probably on-set for no more than 2 or 3 hours and then paid off with $20,000 or $30,000 paychecks. I mean, how else? 

Next up: "Holidate", about a girl that finds a date for the holidays and then ends up with him. Hallmark? I dunno  But you could see the ending from the beginning .

Another predictable "fall-in-love-with-the-guy-I-was-meant-to-fall-in-love-with" film. 

Starring some actresses that resemble famous actresses and actors that resemble famous actors only with enticing accents - is 'he" meant to be Australian or English? Or merely retarded? I can't tell anymore....

Anyways, it comes to pass that Aussie Chris Pratt finds true love in the love interest he's had all along. 

Fucking hell. Day one of Xmas. I'm being held hostage and I don't know who to call...

It goes on and gets worse. Much worse. I'm going out for walks, bailing in every conceivable way on the shows being offered. But nothing is open and they're always there playing when I get back.

The next one, about an idyllic small town in which a dying village is lent a helping hand by the unexpected appearance of "Bigfoot". A "Jon-bon-jovi" production. 

And yet again, a couple of stars I recognize, him, from "Shape of Water" and her, from the secretary in "Arrested Development". 

And Lovejoy (Ian McShane), or - more widely known as the concierge in "John Wick". 

How, how, how did this ever get made? What does it add to the Christmas Canon? My God!!!!

The idiocy continues. All of it, wholesale, a "Very Murray Xmas Special" which uses Bill Murray and friends, including George Clooney and the entire SNL cast - all to very bad effect, then comes the "El Camino Xmas", which only got 3 stars because everyone was hoping they would be getting a Merry Xmas update Jesse from Breaking Bad, starring Tim Allen, and then a "Bad Mom's Christmas" starring Kristen Bell and Susan Sarandon, and - like how - how? HOW HOW HOW?

Like fucking how. 

The generic ideas of beauty (applicable only to women, never or seldom to men), the small town idylls portrayed by people who clearly have never set foot in one, the contrived and predictable plots, the "filmed entirely in a single take" aesthetic, never a "take 2", the cast and crew is as bored with the formula as the audience, this, this is hell. 

Scripted inclusivity, every show a written in minority, funny/rich black sidekick/groom/suitor, alternative (lgbt) subplot, characters scripted into a loveable "Disney" utopia that would never have them, a vanilla enclave that has rejected them from time immemorial, yet - here they are, funny, witty, "ha-ha-ha", fooling no one and yet - clearly - fooling enough. 

This is bullshit.

And I still can't figure out "how", I mean, even if every star's an idiot, wouldn't they still realize how shite this stuff is and give it a pass? They have agents...

Then I realize, they're committed, it's part of the "we give you good role, we give you bad role, you take what you're given...", few actors have the clout to escape the clauses that bind them to their studios. And, to be frank, most of these "films" take longer to watch then they do to film, and so - well - small investments for mediocre returns still=profit or money laundered.

Anyways, looking forward to my luddite, Netflix-Free Xmas next year, wherever that might be...