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Quite Possibly the WORST coffee in the world

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Written by: Rod Boyle

Category: Miscellany

Published: 16 March 2009

Hits: 2142

 

So I was on the way back from a rather lengthy walk yesterday and thought to stop at Shoppers Drug Mart to pick up some coffee. I was completely out, and it's never a good thing to be without coffee. Although I've discovered in cases of real emergency, and with proper mental preparation, sometimes I can get by with tea.

Typically I never shop at Shoppers, or drugstores in general, I don't have a lot of use for eye makeup and perfume and shampoo, soap and deodorant and all of the other fancy things they sell. The things I might be interested in demand a prescription, so I just give it a miss. But I recalled reading about some trend of drugstores selling groceries, so I popped in, it would save me a half-hour detour going to Safeway.

Now I'm a bit of a coffee snob, I gotta confess. I don't usually buy the "BEST" brands, because the best brands tend to be much the same as the very good brands, just with more fashionable packaging and lengthier mission statements. I try to drink a reasonable cup, something along the lines of "President's Choice West Coast Dark" that you buy at Superstore and grind yourself. Not great, but if you have great all the time you lose your taste for it, more a solid middle of the road.

When I lived in England it was almost impossible to get a proper cup of coffee (this was some years ago), and so like many of the locals I cultivated a taste for instant. And family gatherings frequently provide me with examples of other peoples caffeine ideals; the drip-percolated watery Edwards, the brewed-the-night-before and reheated the next morning Maxwell House, I've tried them all. Even the "Sat on the burner since the lunch rush 9 hours ago" diner coffee. There are some pretty bad cups of coffee out there. My favorite "occasional" coffee would be the fresh Italian espresso's, unsweetened with plenty of foam, but for day to day consumption I'm happy with a solid black coffee.

I digress.

So I popped into Shoppers and found the grocery aisle, and they had a few brands of coffee, one of which I didn't recognize. The "Everyday Market" brand. Now the packaging is a bit odd, a little short on style, but I don't let that decieve me. Generic brand names are often manufactured to reasonable standards by brand name companies, you pay a premium for the label. And the price is good, almost too good....$5.99 for 930 gram tin. I check the label, 100% coffee, logically no room for mouse turds or aluminum filings, and for a moment I hesitate. The price is almost TOO good. And what if it's bad? But it's the only can left on the shelf, which I take as a testimonial to it's imagined robust, rich and hearty flavour, and while I hate to take a chance on something so essential as coffee I decided to go against my better instincts and buy it. "Live on the Edge" I tell myself.

And this morning I got to taste it.

Now you probably know how it worked out, there was a little bit of foreshadowing in the title of this, and a little bit of ambiguity as well, where I said "Quite Possibly" I should have written "Most Certainly" or "Undoubtedly". But let me walk you through it. I open the can and am somewhat put off by its dry-grass-clippings color and texture. I sniff it, and there is vaguely something there that reminds me of coffee, but there is something there that reminds me of aluminum cans as well, and instead of the intense, heady burst of rich, full bodied aroma I find a rather weak, metallic smell as if the can itself has drunk my coffee and is now farting back it's memory into my nostrils.

Nevertheless I'm going to drink it. "Maybe it tastes better than it smells" I tell myself. After all, it's 100% coffee, what could go wrong?

As luck would have it, everything. Now when I have a cup of coffee I usually have two, or three, or four, a bit like those rats researchers hook on cocaine I keep going back for more and more until the bladder tells me I'm awake. Then I have a couple of more cups just to be certain.

But in this instance the coffee has come up with a foamy head (more suds) all on it's own, and as I strain the dishwater-colored confection into my cup I have my apprehensions.

Taste? Well, the absent mouse droppings and aluminum filings would have improved it. Wincing with every sip - Hints of ammonium and gasoline, bitter almost to the point of being caustic, metallic high notes clinging to the roof of my palate.

I check the can, it's not expired, but I notice a dearth of ringing endorsements on the label, and where before I simply thought this was to bring me the best cup of coffee at the most reasonable price I now accredit it to the fact that none of the copywriters survived the tasting. And the "Last can on the shelf" I realize is less due to it's bargain pricing than Environmental Regulations that only allow for X amount of toxins per square kilometer. One can per neighborhood. "It's the Law...".

I force myself to brew a second cup, maybe I've been too harsh, perhaps it's an "Acquired" taste, I try to improve the 2nd cup by grinding the coffee down further and adding a touch of salt, but there is no improving this. The second cup burns its way down as wretchedly as the first. I think of adjectives to describe it - "Foul", "Wretched" , "Vile" and "Caustic" all pale beside the dark rainbow of gustatory sensations this brew offers. I double check the can, but the text clearly suggests it's intended for drinking. I try to think of things that might taste like it - "Pesticide treated termite-infested shredded bark and pine-cones-blend" comes close, but again is too limiting and kind.

20 minutes after the last cup my face is still going through involuntary spasms, grimaces not only at the memory but at hidden bits of "flavour" that refresh themselves on my palate. I rinse my mouth out, spit, and brush my teeth. Twice.

Now it's a big can, and there will be no 5-6 or 7 cup mornings for a while, but I'm gonna finish it. The principle of the thing. I'm not sure if it's safe to compost, but I'll try and report back here on what evolves in the garden this spring. If I survive. What is certain is that if I do survive this the next cup of coffee I have, the next real cup, is gonna taste real good.