Dear Osama,
I know it's crazy but I've been meaning to write you for a while. I'd write you a real letter but I can't seem to find your address. So I'll post it on the web as you apparently have cells everywhere and so you'll probably get it sooner or later. I kinda figure you're forgiven for doing all that shit to the World Trade Centers and all because nobody ever hears your name at all any more. And lets face it, if the Americans really wanted to find you they surely would have by now, I mean it's been 7 years. I forgive you as well. I mean, it was lousy, what you did (if you really did it, a lot of Americans seem to think you didn't), but I completely understand how you could take exception to an American foreign policy that promotes dictatorships and puppet totalitarian regimes in Arab countries for the sole purpose of guaranteeing themselves cheap oil. I'd be pissed too. And what did they expect, really, that you'd get some sort of camel army together and come over and declare war?
Anyways, since all is forgiven I'd thought I'd write to ask you a favour. That group you belong to - "Al Quaida" I think it's called - Are you still in contact with them? They seem to give you credit for everything. Anyways, if you are I thought I'd see if you'd be interested in maybe taking out the "Wal-Mart" franchise. I've been meaning to for a while, only I'm not that organized and I don't live anywhere near where the Waltons live. I don't mean the TV family "The Waltons" but Sam Walton and his family, the purported "Christian" heir of Wal Mart who gains enormous profits off of the misery and suffering of others. I know, it's a big favour, it'd be easy to target, but I don't want you to target the stores, you might kill people whom fortune has already frowned upon. But maybe you could target the corporate headquarters, or the owners. Maybe you don't even need to bomb them, rather start some sort of educational campaign to inform Americans of how their taste for low prices and crappy merchandise is ruining the planet. You'd be good at that, all of your videos get aired. Talk to them about diversity and how America used to be before every city came to resemble another because they all have the same stores selling the same crap. Talk about the value of independance and local supporting local small businesses, talk to them about paying responsible wages, about foreign policy that allows them to outsource slavery to third world countries. They'd listen, I'm sure of it.
Hope all is well with you and take care.