Now he's my partner, my #2. He handles the drinks and desserts, I handle the food.
And for the first bit he was OK. No one else wanted to work with him, not the Talking Waiter, not the Nephew, and as he's of modest competence I was pleased. The "Of Modest Competence" is a complement of the highest order.
He's the talking, friendly half of the equation, the balance to my calculated aloofness and indifference. But he's too much. Every table, he fawns over them, asks them "What's the occasion?", as if being hungry weren't occasion enough to eat. He doesn't miss a single anniversary or birthday. He loves to sing "Happy Birthday", a sparkler in a complimentary piece of Tiramisu, He asks every customer their name and introduces us, I struggle to escape...
He's been pissing me off. He pisses people off, he's good at it, he's a scar above his eye where a waiter at his previous job took a bottle to him.
We're busy, the restaurant in 2 halves, my half - the other half of my half, the drink and dessert half, has disappeared. The Prime Minister with his entourage is in the restaurant, he's on the other side, Grovel is on the other side helping, wiping crumbs from the PM's lap. Grovel is of one of those ethnic minorities the PM would like to see less of in our country, this doesn't stop Grovel from his full out assault on ingratiating himself.
It's a gong show. The other side has 4 waiters, I have only myself.
It's shit. I'm not impressed. I tell Grovel that I'm going to take the Nephew the next week as my assistant, Grovel is at first offended, then ignores me, defensive, then apologizes...
I have to accept. We're a tight crew, no one wants him, not the Talking Waiter, not anyone.
***
The restaurant seems to have been polarized. People who don't want to sit in the Talking Waiter's section, finding his antics, anecdotes, opinions too much, his sales too forced, and the people who don't want Grovel, his affection, well, too unsolicited, too colored....
There's no doubt a few that don't want me, but my disdain doesn't have such a tangible aspect, it's hard to explain that you don't want to be left alone with your guests, and so that minority is left alone. On busy weekend nights we try to stack the sections according to the customers expressed and /or implied tastes.
***
We've a review in the local newspaper supplement, looks like one of those paid advertising reviews but apparently is legitimate, highlights our restaurant, we have several copies to show customers. After the initial rush of new customers the owner is standing by the bar, Grovel, ever the toad, has purchased his own copy, approaches the owner to "Please, sign it for me boss....for my collection...".
The owner begrudgingly agrees.
Grovel, he's old, they want to fire him, I don't care, just don't want to work with him anymore, he disappears when the going gets tough, his slender responsibilities ignored, he passively-aggressively kills time shining glasses at the bar while I fetch his desserts and set the tables, he's an equal partner in the tips but in responsibilities he's fuck-all (like so many others), he's pissing the others off, so close to retirement and possibly (although not certainly) ingratiated into his loyal customers hearts, his over-the top grovelling and capering in front of the customers despised by all the rest (even those who do the same), I've named him, the perfect career waiter, he's Grovel.