The Kootenays, under lockdown, 6, 8 weeks now? I don't know. It's been forever. Everywhere the signs tell you: "Essential Travel Only" and "Stay Local".
Most of us oblige. But it's hard. Especially when you see the Alberta plates everywhere. The lockdowns, they apply to everyone but them.
Alberta, Alberta...
Covid numbers double ours. Everywhere, it's always a result of government - the more regressive/conservative your government, the higher your numbers.
And Alberta, it's not as if it was an 8 party system, where the tyranny of the minority won with 15% of the popular vote, no, a clear majority of you voted for Jason Kenney,
Heinreich Cumschwiller Kenney. How many voted? 54.88% majority, less the 1% raping the rest of you - so 53.88 percent of you thought things would get better with this ass-clown in charge? I'm being kind.
Truly the cuts to education have paid off.
Alberta, Circle-jerk of ranchers and oilmen, darkened back rooms filled with cigar smoke, enter Kenney in his best bondage gear, an oily black PVC catsuit gifted him from his equally erudite and well educated friend Ted Cruz.
Concerned about abortion? How is that an issue when all you can do is butt-fuck the very people that voted and work for you?
And how.
The UCP, like the Conservative Party, only with more swastikas - left gets in, not because people like the left, only because they want to punish the right, then next election counter by swinging more right - "We'll be just like the old Conservative Party, only with more Swastikas..." And Alberta, always, will vote for the clown with the biggest belly and nose. It's a tradition.
Kenney, rewriting the Alberta Curriculum to highlight his families role in the province, he is making himself king...teach the students about Jazz Legend Grandpa Kenney... about the Famous Impressionist Grandma Kenney, About the Titanic Victim Jack Kenney who drowned while making room on the raft for his other Grandmother Rose DeWitt Kenney, about Easter and how it celebrates Great Grandpa "Jesus" Kenney's persecution at the hands of his political opponents, what year, what country is this?
Nevermind, it's Alberta.
Alberta, birthplace of Ted Cruz the prodigal son that never returned, went off into the world and did well for himself, a source of pride, "The one that got away" most Albertans think to themselves, better looking, better groomed than Trump, and sharing all of their own homespun values.
And Kevin J. Johnston - a contender for Calgary Mayor, why can't he take his talents to the Provincial Level? Clearly the man's an intellectual - and represents faithfully the Alberta ideology - shouldn't Kenney bring him into the cabinet? Offer him a role more suited to his talents and ability?
On the Ferry, 6:30 AM, the Ferry's full, we're the only 2 BC Plates. Everyone else is Alberta. Driving our economy during Covid when even the locals are requested to stay home, rioting it up in Nelson (link here: https://www.castanet.net/news/BC/330033/Kootenays-restaurant-closes-for-long-weekend-after-being-overwhelmed-by-rude-tourists), work, it's scaring me.
Here on "Essential Business" involving a dozen mountain bikes obscuring their license plate, Kayaks cluttering their car rooves, feeling free to share their "Pandemic is a hoax" theory with any local trapped within earshot.
How badly do I want to go back to work?
And most people polite, kind, but the Albertans, you can always tell, coming in with t-shirt pinched over their noses, "Do you need a mask?", and "Can we eat inside?", and waiting in a hostile stance at the door to inform me that they want to come in at 10 minutes to close because "Your website says you're open until 9:30". I don't know if it still does, but these people, they're attitude - the Alberta Attitude, The Karen's come calling, it's trying my patience.
An anti-mask rally draws thousands, yet you can't even protest Kenney? Does it never cross your mind to flush the toilet? These people - every member of the UCP - need to tarred and feathered and run out of town. No - it's time. There's an exemplary side to both Justice and Politics. This is it. The tar, think of it as the hot-latex that you all wear in the back rooms, the lather of hot-spicy-capitalist "Most Certainly Straight" sex, sprinkled with Chicken feathers, a homage to all the hard-working poultry farmers.
Alberta, Alberta, rarely even rising to the level of incompetence, "not even wrong", to be wrong you'd have to have understood the question, instead, you deflect it, change it, change the topic, make "Health" about the economy, make the pandemic political.
At war with a cartoon bigfoot and not a single fucking advisor suggested that - well - really? Haven't we got bigger concerns? Maybe bigfoot is right? I agree- I've seen the picture - he's an affront to good taste and grooming - but - that doesn't seem to be where you're taking offense.
Alberta, Alberta.
Gas to Coal - what's next? Stone tools? Banana farms? Sabre-toothed tiger hunting safaris? Kenney, the future hope of all Albertans....Leader of the Regressive Conservatives, The - next to Ted Cruz - epitome of Alberta Culture and education.
You know the Albertans here, their cottages, you know them, they chop all the trees down so they can see the trees. The level out the mountains so they can see the levelled mountains. They won't be happy until everything is like home. Cheap vinyl sided subdivisions, - no taste restrictions in effect - and - what was an eyesore everywhere you looked out past Bearspaw and Cochrane is here doubly so.
But - good news just in - Alberta will be fully open in time for Stamped and Klondike Days. Whew. Maybe that will keep y'all home.
Wow. Alberta. Alberta.
Home of the rich rig-pigs who flew back to their vinyl-clad Shangri-La's to discover their vacuous blonde trophy wives cheating, divorcing, taking up Yoga or Exercise, weren't the 3 snowmobiles, 2 F150's, 4 ATV's, enough? Are you really missing the fucking 16 hour days in the oil patch where you had to fucking snort coke all the live long day because - really - that's the only thing that fucking made life worth living? Alberta, living proof that you can have too much of a good thing.
Newspapers that stopped reporting, relied on the Police to report on their policing, the city to report on their debates and policies, the provincial government to advise them of policy, newspapers that forgot about journalism, analysis, facts, all in favor of "OP-ED", shallow criticism of the party in power because we want to be seen as being controversial or independent but we don't want to give offense or they'll stop feeding us news. Newspapers who's only use is to line puppy cages - you wouldn't read one if your life hinged on it, couldn't, you'd gag at the nonsense they publish, fucking rip up you're kindergarten diploma, what was the point if this is all the nonsense they feed you.
I didn't agree with everything Notley did either - but it was clear she was trying, and working in the best interests of the people. When was that not enough? When did you decide you'd rather have a limp-dicked self-serving cuck as your premier? Although - to be fair - he does represent an awful lot of you...
Alberta, Alberta - where every day, every headline is an "April Fools", only - only it isn't. With Trump out of the way we can look closer to home, and - rest assured - Q-Anon's got nothing on you. Shame.