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- Written by: Rod Boyle
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These trips, only in town for a couple of days, it's cheaper to eat out than stock the fridge with stuff that will be off the next time I make it back. So I make the rounds of favorite places - Mucho Burrito, Fat Burger. And an Indian place not far from the apartment, for an ethnic restaurant well furnished - by which I mean in a bland, modern, antiseptic way, but an amazing lunch buffet, a couple of dozen items, a mere $15.70, the food, tasty, delicious even, and an easy way to balance the diet. Given that I generally only eat 1 meal a day, this is a great place to do it. And a shame, because every time I've been there it's empty, or close enough to empty, and you know it can't last, and what is it about Calgary that a reasonable restaurant with good prices can't last? Anywhere else this place would be packed every day of the week...
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
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I'm going to break with a long tradition here and start naming names...enough is enough.
Sunday morning, looking for breakfast in Nelson. Full Circle, the breakfast place on Baker, has a half hour waiting list, which means when you walk past the window there's a dozen empty tables inside but inside the mall entrance there's easily a dozen, maybe 2 dozen people waiting for a table.
This is a Kootenay tradition, waiting for a table in an empty restaurant. This is usually preceded by a "Do you have a reservation?" inquiry from host or server, then a hopeful announcement that they could possibly have you sat within the hour, despite the obvious abundance of empty tables. I used to put this down to the impossibility of getting quality service staff out here, but in a year I've come to realize it's more the impossibility of finding competent owners or management, and this morning I'm not in the mood to wait in line to give someone my money, so I wander on.
Relish, across the street, is open, and so I mosey over there. The patio is full, or 9/10 tables on it are, but I've had enough of the great outdoors today and would happily sit inside. Inside, 4 tables occupied, the other 10 or so empty, 3 servers on, they should have me sat within 10 minutes or so...
I'm not making this up. Relish, they have that reputation here of being one of the better restaurants, their servers, attractive waitresses in short dresses or skirts with the abundance of leg tattoos, I applied here for a job once before I realized their "unofficial" but transparent policy of employing only attractive girls on the service end, and being neither attractive (or a girl) didn't get any sort of callback. Lots of restaurants do this, standard industry practice, and who doesn't like to be served by a pretty girl? But right now I just want to be served, want a bite of breakfast, and am getting a little annoyed with this "wait at the door 20 minutes to sit at an empty table that was clean and empty for 20 minutes before you arrived".
I've been here a couple of times before, the first time with my daughter and friend, I ordered some gravy for my fries and the then Australian waitress told me
"You'll have to pay for that you know", and I was kind of dumbfounded at her mentioning this, was the rest of the meal free? Or was I to pay for the gravy up front? I simply reiterated, in words she would understand, that I would like to pay for some gravy, and she reluctantly brought it just as I was finishing my last french fry.
If you've ever been to Nelson you'll know, the Australians, they kind of have the service industry locked down, they're "managing", after a fashion, most of the pubs and bars, which is ironic if you know anything about service, because having an Australian in charge of your service is a little like kidnapping an Eskimo from his kayak and making him your network administrator, Australians are no more known for their customer service skills than they are for their tipping, but that's another rant...
IN any event there are no Australians here today, this is all Kootenay, 100% Nelson service, and 20 minutes after arriving I'm sat at the empty table that was empty when I arrived right in front of me and the attractive server arrives and pours my water and takes my order and, after a lengthy delay, brings my food. I know, I know, it has to be cooked, and despite the restaurant being empty the patio is full, and the 4 chefs behind the counter are taxed to their limit.
The food, average as always. The service - ?? nondescript, but I'm done and when I get up to pay the bill suddenly it changes, it's friendly, personable even, the waitress, formerly "all business what d'ya want" is now solicitous, friendly, "How was everything?" she asks, presenting me the debit machine, leaning in close, her hair falling on my shoulder, her legs, hips, closer and closer, tattooed legs curling around mine, fingertips lightly guiding my fingers across the confusing tip options...."You can tip 15%, 20%, 25%, or other...." and down to other and she's continuing "Oh, good choice...lets see...you could leave me a castle in Europe, or a private jet, I would need you to leave me a pilot as well, and maybe a credit card for gas, I have a lot of friends, or you could leave me a ... more options, a diamond tiara, a kilogram of the finest Colombian Cocaine...we should party sometime...", she's needlessly working herself up and getting herself excited and it's not my imagination, she's now grinding on my hip, helping me navigate the confusing minefield of Nelson tipping, ah, service in Nelson, the perfect marriage of incompetence and entitlement, I was 20% when I came in, it was decided before I even sat down to eat, 20% rounded up, but all this attentiveness, too much, too late, it's infuriating me, and my blood is boiling and not with the reasons she's trying to incite...
It doesn't have to be this way. Seat me at the empty table when I come in. Tell me the kitchen is a bit slow. Let me order, bring my food, let me tip and get the fuck out. But out here, everything is just that little bit more over the top...
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
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Against all my better judgement I went online and looked at a few restaurant reviews. The internet, it's great, it democratizes everything...
Tripadvisor.ca, a few of the local restaurants, the one I'm working at, it comes in pretty low, I understand, I work there. But you read the reviews, one by one, and you can understand where everyone is coming from, but not one of them is even close. Taken all together the aggregate of the reviews ideally will give you a sum of the experience, taken singly, few people can spell, even fewer have dined out...
I check our reviews against the other restaurants in the area, one is described as "Fancy" and "Fine Dining" - not by a long shot, and it only goes to prove the ignorance of the reviewers - out here, paper napkins and a set table make a restaurant fancy. And in the reviews there's a lot of that petty small-town in-fighting, trivial politics, feuds, dirty laundry and grievances are aired. The reviews are skewed in both directions - both on the high end and on the low end, and everyone has an opinion and wants to share it...
Which is a problem, and here I'll explain. Not everyone should be allowed to have an opinion, most people shouldn't, and certainly shouldn't be allowed to give voice to it. A proper restaurant reviewer will visit a restaurant a minimum of 2 or 3 times to sample various of the items on the menu, rate the staff, the ambiance, etc. A proper reviewer has dined in a lot of different restaurants at both ends of the spectrum - from the ethnic hole-in-the walls to the higher end places with brand-name chefs. No respectable critic would even think of dining out on a Mothers Day or Valentines Day, let alone writing a review of the experience. Here, people review restaurants either to boost their friends or diss them for what they feel was an extraordinarily bad experience. For a lot of the locals, even getting a bill at the end of their dinner is enough to ruin their week.
Every restaurant out here relies on the scenery for the ambiance. It's rare to find a place that even comes close to a well designed Chinese takeaway, let alone a fine or character filled restaurant. There's one restaurant, been meaning to try it forever, I don't want to give away the name so I'll make up something equally pretentious, "The Kootenai Epicurian" or "Kootenai Conniseurs", you get the idea, and the place, it's an old garage, old tables, dusty plants and ledges and a big assortment of junk pretending to be antiques, ask for a menu and you're told to pick something from the fridge; not a glass countertop like you might find at a bakery or deli, no, a big fridge beside the kitchen, grab your frozen meal, pay for it. tip, and you can microwave it yourself and enjoy...
...burritos, lasagna, it's kinda unbelievable, the name of the 'restaurant', because even here I'm being pretty liberal, and the menu and accompanying preparation...not what you'd expect from such a grandiosely titled establishment, but for here, well...it's got 5 stars...
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
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It's happy hour in Nelson, I've been a meaning to go for some several months now....
Buck-a-shuck Oysters. Half price appetizers and soups. $5.00 highballs, wine, beer and Caesars.
I've been waiting for this my entire life....
The Patio, overlooking the lake.
2 dozen oysters, the layer dip, the Tuna Stack...
The oysters, a bit mild, but excellent. The Caesars, well, it's got alcohol, doesn't it?
The layer dip, good, cheesy, the tuna, not so, frozen, not ideal.
I'd applied here, resting-bitch-face manager had pretended well, not well enough, I'm not working here but I'm glad, this is a far better hangout than it would be a workplace. I gotta plan to spend some night in town and come here and do some real damage when I don't have to drive...
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
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Dinner, Model Milk with the daughter. Start with the Tartare, follow with the Sea Bass, The Roasted Heirloom Carrots, followed up with the Apple Pie.
$16.00 for 2 Carrots. The daughter declares them the best carrots she's ever tasted, but...$16.00 for 2 Carrots. The Sea Bass, whole, bones in, the Tartare delicately portioned without crackers or bread, the Apple Pie, generous.
The food is good, but perusing their website I notice the Chocolate Mousse lists "Bentonite" as an ingredient, and this prompts a little searching...a curious addition to any foodstuff...