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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: For Sale
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I have scant memories of my beginning, time out of mind. Mind, you see, is shaped by culture, and before culture there is nothing. My earliest memory, that of sitting about a fire and listening to a tale I would later know as that of Orion and the Pleiades. Then there were Eight. From there I drifted, always the hot climes where none would suspect, there are so many inexplicable deaths that one or a dozen will raise no questions. And when the questions are raised I move on.
You are what you eat, and Protean I was, becoming each of the races I hunted, a month and I might change my shape enough to pass for half-blooded, 2 months and the people would think that I had been thereabouts born and bred.
I learned to fly ahead of the plagues; I was not cheating death, merely hastening it; those young pale virgins, their quality of innocence, this is what sustained me. I was Mercy itself, for the pestilences that followed me were never as kind, and every one of their lives prolonged my own, and I lived first hundreds, then thousands of years. And when I was particularly moved by some tender prey I might visit her a few nights, allow her the slow lingering sleeping sickness or aching consumption, before resurrecting her with a few drops of my own. What privilege to be able to choose your children!
Where only I dined, the pale morning death like the petals of a flower laid out upon the clay, the faintest smile upon their lips; if life is suffering then let their deaths be made sweet; always I have been the considerate guest; and the anguished keening carried to me on the morning breeze foretold the plagues to follow.
Travelling routes that took me from: Ur, Bagdad, Cairo, Tangiers, Athens, Rome, Venice, Carthage; a tour of centuries, a hundred other cities where there lies now only sand and sea, then later with ships, and steam ships and then aeroplanes and the American South, Savannah to New Orleans, time and again running into my little proteges, our tastes now the same, with families and roosts of their own, twirling ringlet curls: “And how do you like this gift?…”,
I have wondered at the fear our race have provoked in you, the Sumerians and their Pazuzu, the Greeks with their Gorgons, your priests with their crosses, yet the cattle don’t fear the farmer, nor is the shepherd feared by his flock. And while my race has been feared because of a few degenerate examples I have never been one.
First of all manners. What manner of beast laps up the blood of his victims? Only the most depraved, I have always stood upon ritual, table manners, while I’ve needed no fork and knife, and have shortened a great many lives I have given others the chance of immortality. In my estimation this balances out.
Which brings us to the cup. So much talk of progress, first the automobile, then the aeroplane, now it’s all rocket-ships and cell-phones. Mankind, once so noble and filled with aspirations and dreams has become a degenerate race, the world in general infected with a curious depravity, and where with Gilgamesh I could have filled it a hundred times with Poetry, Innocence, Grace and Kindness now I could travel the world and never fill it once. This immortality, well, it’s been a good run, but while reddit offers a ready and willing diet of virgins such is the quality that I would prefer to go hungry. Recall that you are what you eat and never would I deign to become one of those fiends, those withered and gibbering horrors that hang in derelict mansions, or those underground lairs they claw beneath tombs and graveyards, devoided of all language, custom and manners, that have outlived time itself, insatiable, insensible imbeciles, ears filled with crickets and blind eye sockets with star jelly, and yet still, still refusing to die…
Remember the fastidious Count of St. Germain, with his “Who would suspect ME, a vegetarian”?; I ran into him again in New Orleans, not even a hundred years ago, the American diet had taken it’s toll and if he were still alive today I have no doubt he’d be in Congress or Secretary of Health and Human Services.
There is naught left in this world that would quench my thirst, and when the time comes I will wait patiently on the balcony for the morning sun. But pardon my digressions.
For sale: 1 ritual libation cup. Pewter.
I’d prefer to meet at night as the sun irritates my skin, “Solar Urticaria” my physician tells me (and that I need to eat more vegetables)…
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: For Sale
- Hits: 193
What I can only imagine to be the mouthpiece to a Magical glass trumpet. From its condition I’m guessing the prior owner was a real “Bleeding Gums Murphy” type. Perfect for summoning angels, unicorns or heralding the Apocalypse. Found left as a gift in my car the same evening a variety of things suspiciously went missing. Don’t know where the rest of the trumpet is but I’m pretty sure if you wander the alleys around Baker at sunset somebody will be able to point you in the right direction…
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: For Sale
- Hits: 987
I made a pitch to PornHub via "Mindgeek" and 1 month later they still haven't gotten back to me. Their loss, but maybe I shouldn't have written that million dollar cheque into the budget just yet...
FAO: Director of Merchandising, Pornhub
This is a merchandise pitch for one of your top visited websites, Pornhub.
Coming out of the Pandemic (Hopefully), Universities and Colleges will begin in person classes. Pornhub-U of course, being the Alma Mater of countless bored college students it seems only right they have recourse to celebrate their graduation.
What better way to commemorate the Pandemic and those happy years of online instruction than with a PornHub-U Alumni Sweatshirt?
"Pornhub-U - Class of 2022", with a Thumbs-Up Emoji in the center and your catchphrase "Hands On Distance Learning" seems ideal. Of course room should be left for any of the Latin phrases and degrees you might care to bestow, things like "Veni, Vedi, Veni" or "Magna Cum Laude", which could be plausibly typeset to read "Mommy Cum Louder", because, really, who reads these things anyways?
Please do not hesitate to call and discuss royalties.
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: For Sale
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(Trying to sell this goddamn thing on Kijiji and Facebook only they limit my description)
- - Spacious Outdoor Bathroom & Kitchen
- - Excellent for foraging
- - 1 time only close to whatever Amenity your heart so desires.
- - Winter Tires (read: Doesn't need any tires put it up on blocks wow this is a gold mine already!!!!)
- - Roof Rack (read: Abundant storage)
- - 5 Seats, the 3 back of which fold down to accommodate whatever shade of Kootenay Polyamory you're into.
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: For Sale
- Hits: 223
(Trying to sell this goddamn thing on Kijiji and Facebook only they limit my description)
(**Update: Nah,Facebook keeps taking it down after 100 or so likes/shares. Bastards!!)
For Sale: One '94 Jeep Grand Cherokee.
JEEP: 1 Brake compromised by leaking bejeezuz fluid, How many brakes do you need? I just hang my foot/leg/Peg out the drivers side door and let it drift down the mountain. Never had a problem. gapped out, grew numb and heard the "mwah mwah mwah" of the mechanic, Jalopy, Odometer: Works, Trip Meter: Works (You'll be needing that, more on it later), Fuel Guage: Full until about 60 KM after filling at which it shows empty. See Trip Meter. Ashtray: Glorious! NEVER FAILED ME YET! Cigarette Lighter: Replaced fuse, now works, use lighter. Radio: Works, Headlights: On/Off, Wipers: Work, Windshield: Present, Electric Windows: Work but use the ashtray, Doors: Open. Um, don't open that....Majestic, Motor Horse, Gallant Iron Steed, Steel Chariot of Fury, Chariot of the Gods, Thrilling: It got me here, now will it get me back? Millstone of infinite debt, Wallet of vanishing savings, Kootenay Gold Mine,
$5000 dollars. They called me every day to advise me how much the estimate has increased, and I "Sure, go-ahead" them every time. They asked for an advance. Why not? I'm a good faith customer. I love this jeep. I only wanted trouble free motoring.
...DOn't lowball me, I know what I have here, don't go trying to dicker me down...back whumping: Comes with 4 litres of oil, (why fix the seals, just top it up every other fill), half a litre of Windshield wiper fluid, transmission fluid (which never leaked or looked dirty, so - what the fuck?), 2 Litres Antifreeze, 3/4 tank of gas (Trip reads 75 KM), The false hope of a broken U-Joint, My investment in trouble-free motoring...4 winter tires, Thule Roof Rack, Lightbar,
Become a Kootenay Landlord and rent it out! park it on your property/the street, find a family of 4 new to the area, (Check Facebook: "Hi I'm rachel and this is Marky and our dog frenzy and our babies twaila and twinna and we've just moved to the area from hoboken and are looking for a " this baby could bring in $1200/Month easy! Or - hey - you greedy? Air BNB it!!!!
AND IT RUNS! Unprecedented for a car under $10,000 in BC! Yep, you can drive this baby home before you give it it's forever parking spot...
Worth it's weight in Gold to the aspiring young prospecter, by which I mean have it's weight in gold ready when you buy it, you'll need it for the mechanic.
Maybe there's a Canadian Tire magical additive that will restore your transmission and repair the oil leaks? And while you're at it improve your fuel mileage? Probably there are several, and for $100 worth of quack remedies this baby can be starring front-row-centre in "FURY ROAD 2 - REVENGE OF THE DOOF WARRIOR ..." about a malcontented guitarist with a flamethrowing guitar seeking revenge on an array of Bumblefuck Kootenay Mechanics...I'm willing to throw in the first draft for an extra $1000 and bring back the Baker Street Air Drummer to reprise his role in the back seat. Don't worry, he'll have his earbuds in.
Pictures of the Jeep are also available for purchase as Non-Fungible Tokens at a starting bid of $30,000 each. Some dents as per expected given it's extensive off-road explorations
They fixed the thingamajig, the whatchamacallit, the doo-hicky, the headlight (see photo), OMG, they did it all, and I looked forward to many years of trouble free motoring. (I have reciepts)
Fuel Filter, Cam Shaft Sensor, Motor Chariot, Iron Steed,
Twice voted the "Best looking prospector between Balfour and Ainsworth".
A friend "gifted" it to me, the way you might gift a white elephant or herpes or whatever to a close friend...Never look a gift horse in the mouth, but always, always look under the bonnet of a gifted jeep. No shit. And crawl underneath the fucker and open every door - and try and close it -
***
Investment Opportunity: Become a Kootenay Landlord! For a mere.... you could own this '94 Jeep Grand Cherokee. While you'll be able to drive it home the failing transmission doesn't recommend taking it on any long-haul journeys.
That said:
- Spacious Outdoor Bathroom & Kitchen
- Excellent for foraging
- 1 time only close to whatever Amenity your heart so desires.
- Winter Tires (read: Doesn't need any tires put it up on blocks wow this is a gold mine already!!!!)
- Roof Rack (read: Abundant storage)
- 5 Seats, the 3 back of which fold down to accommodate whatever shade of Kootenay Polyamory you're into.
Yep, that's right, this baby could be rented out tomorrow - earning you a cool $X000 per month. "TO WHOM? You ask? My God, they'll be lining up!!! Winter's almost here!!! You know that annoying facebook couple that post pictures of themselves with an ad that reads something like this:
"Hi My Name is KUKI and this is my boyfriend Adam although sometimes I call him "Madam" or "Madman" hahaha and this is our little chihuahua "FRENZY" hahaha that's not rabies he just ate a bat and you know we're looking for a place here in town to rent we'd like to move here I have my own business my "OnlyFans' page has almost 30 subscribers and Madam (hahaha) is going to be studying "The theory of Chiromancy" at Selkirk college next fall ideally we'd like to have a big yard and live close to cool like minded people like us we love it here so much and want to hear back from you soon."
Yep. Let them begin doing their time.
SO - that said, what say you pick up this little baby and let the rental income start pouring in...?