The boy having been accepted into a leadership camp, one of the requirements being that I write him a "Love Letter" that he can open and read upon completion.
"Don't drink the Kool-Aid" I tell him.
In the end I write him the letter, it could - always - be better, but then it wouldn't be on time. I've pasted it below:
*****
The requirement, to write a love letter to your child. Vague, slightly disturbing. No wonder you found it so amusing...
All love letters should contain some verse, or reference to. This one I've written especially for you.
Love Poem:
I Love you more than certain cats
you know the one, the rather fat
tabby that sits on my sofa lugubriously mewing for
love and attention,
midnight howling, heartfelt caterwauling, melancholy that I'm ignoring it's pathetic need for constant petting,
it's bad breath, foul tongue rasping my beard, playful paws batting my face
I love you more than that.
I love you more than diet Coke
and Coke Zero too, I knew you'd ask
I love you more than I love to smoke,
but smoking's an addiction
Whereas my love for you is the natural consequence of having reared an
articulate, intelligent child
the pride one takes in a slight accomplishment, ignoring the great dues I owe another (your mother) for otherwise, well, you can figure that out.
I love you more than Jack Daniels and Bushmills and Cap'n Morgan and Jim Beam,
please ignore
if it seems that I'm slurring...
I love you more than the dessert I ordered
"I'm too full" you protested,
then set in with your spoon as I moved it to the center of the table to share,
chocolate brownie, warmed Carmel glazing, ice cream all vanishing beneath your spoon,
mine spoon suspiciously untouched as I gaze in awe upon the absent dessert I never tasted.
I love you more than the searching for gold and diamonds and crystals and Indian artifacts and dinosaur bones,
I love you more than a vintage Rolex found at a thrift shop, or leather coat or pair of ancient candlesticks, unrecognized and marked down to a tenth their appraised value,
I love you more than this, but take you along
because I want you to be curious
about the world, to recognize, find opportunity wherever it may lie,
there is no reason this should be exclusive,
I bring you along to share these moments of discovery, of the unexpected, overlooked, to realize that there's so much more to life that what's been presented you,
and you, with grudging acceptance, stoicism, bear my folly
not understanding the general lessons of discovery. curiosity, humoring me,
I love your more than this, but this love need not be exclusive...
***
Humor done and you've had your laugh. You asked for it, remember.
1st Thing: Love letters should always be written by hand. On fine linen stationary, lightly scented with your choice of cologne, fine penmanship (fountain, naturally) a must. That said, time doesn't permit me that leisure and so I'm emailing this to your Mom. I can only imagine your relief, still, as you read this imagine fanciful hearts and unicorns and your name written written "____ + Dad" in curly, adolescent handwriting in the margins and it just might be easier to bear...
I've known you a long time, and differently, I suspect, than your mother and other relations. That says nothing, really, we all know the you that you present - a different you for every audience, but that said I'd like to think - imagine, that there is some consistency in your core traits.
That you continue to grow, explore, to find new ways to challenge yourself and your thinking. You're smart. I know, sometimes you don't feel so smart, but you confuse sometimes intelligence with experience, these are not the same. You are smart, and have more experience of the world than most of your peers. This is good, continue. Get out of your box, my box, explore new things, challenge yourself with adventures and experiences I couldn't offer you, didn't think to offer you, didn't even know I could offer you.
Perhaps sometimes you worry about my opinion of you - whether you are what I'd hope - I hoped - you'd become. Whether I approve.
Don't.
Be whatever you want - do it well, to the best of you're ability, and I'll be happy. I wouldn't expect less than the best of you, but - understand - the best of you, according to your standards and expectations, not mine. My expectations, my desires for you are only this.
IN no particular order, but numbered all the same:
#1) It's natural for a parent to love their child. All (with rare and perverse exceptions) parents love their children. It's the way of the world, Darwinian, if we didn't we'd quickly dispose of you and your carcass and get back to the party. It's nature's way of ensuring our species, our genes propagate, compete, survive. I love you like this, surely, but it's not so extraordinary, all parents love their children thus, there's nothing here to brag about.
#2) In Specific, and with slight reason applied.
First, let me enumerate your good qualities:
You're bright. Smart, articulate, you have some wit, you have some social adaptability (to go from dealing with your mom to me demands enormous social flexibility, I know). You're good looking, after your Mom, which is good, really, because - to be truthful - you're Mom's pretty good looking.
These are good things, to be sure, but they're not reasons to love you.
Some will love you for them, be careful, these are not good reasons to love anyone.
You think for yourself - ask questions that are not popular, you have with me, I know, I've encouraged this. And you've had the sense to restrain yourself where you've intuited that the questions, the questioning might not be so popular. This is social intelligence. This is good.
You've experience beyond your years - not all - initially - good, but all in all in the end great experiences. You've survived hitch-hiking back from Idaho, a small thing, true, but more than many, and a reminder that despite the news, the newspapers, the world, the universe, is a friendly place. In the end a remarkable vacation, and one I hope you'll remember - not unkindly - to the end of your days.
I like this. I like intelligence, wit, experience, I like being able to parry wits with those able to return the dialogue, like the banter, the entertainment.
I like the way that you read books I recommend, see films of my choosing without (too much) complaint, the way you're open to better, to more challenging ideas. This is good.
If you are what you eat, then certainly you are as well what you read, watch, ingest online and in the endless social media, you are the sum of your experiences. Feed yourself well.
You are my - our (Her and Mine's) child, and it is to be expected that a portion of your life experiences parallel mine.
I like this. I like as well the way that she - _____ - has opened up for you a world of experience that - for me - would probably only have ever existed in theory or abstract appreciation.
It gives you balance.
And - despite - no, because of our differences - this is good. It gives you perspective, it gives you choice.
It makes you larger than me.
These are things to appreciate, admire, but are not things to be loved, not on their own anyways.
These are merely ornaments, stones, pieces of something that is to be assembled larger...
What do I love about you?
Well, beyond simply you being you - you being my child, qualities I find worth loving in you:
You have the beginnings of principle, character and integrity.
There is the foundation within you upon which you can become the sum of your parts, your experience.
I love the possibility, my expectation, that you will be congruent with your principles, ideals, that you will act with reason and good judgement, without prejudice and with fairness and consideration towards all. Easily said, not so easily done, but I fancy I see the beginnings of this within you.
This is rare, this is extraordinary, I hope to see it's fruition within you.
I love this about you.
I see and love the possibilities you offer - that with determination, hard work, and perhaps - but not necessarily - adversity - I see you growing and becoming more than me. This is why we have children, the hopes that they will be better than ourselves, the hope that they can share and profit from our experiences, learn from them, grow, make a better world for themselves and others.
I love this in you. It won't be easy, but perhaps I prejudice you with my own experience. Maybe it will be? Why shouldn't it be? Still, should you be offered adversity, push back, challenge it, lightly, pleasantly, appropriate to the challenge offered, often what you perceive as adversity will prove merely a phantom of your imagining. And sometimes it will prove real, but persevere nonetheless, there is nothing you can't do if you focus and apply yourself.
Take time to think, reflect. Think some more. There's no rush. Stay away from the computer, the TV, power off the phone and take some time to yourself.
Think through your ideals and clarify them, write them down, share them. Question them always, times change, so will your ideals. They are always worthwhile, but be open to other ideas. Don't compromise them, those who demand the best very often receive it. But remember as well - if you would expect the best from life you must offer it.
Learn. You are never done learning. Learn something new. Read something different. Challenge yourself, change your map, ask the hard questions to those who may have the answers, to yourself and then find the answer. Grow. Memorize a poem, a quote, see a different film, Think. Different. Meet someone new. Get outside your box. Listen. Never be afraid to disagree, but think before disagreeing.
Leadership often implies making others see things your way. This is the traditional view of leadership. But - great - truly great - leaders - see things from the point of view of their followers and disciples. Remember this. Try to see things their way. And think of them when you gather your thoughts and formulate your ideals. They are important too.
Finally - you are, right now, perfect.
Perfection is a process, not an end. The end is death. Perfection is the continued application of one's talents and abilities towards a higher goal. Whatever that goal may be.
Perfection is a process.
Continue to be perfect.
I Love this about you.
Love,
Dad