(In my old place of employ, the "fancy" Italian restaurant we used to get a lot of letters of complaint. Most were, unfortunately, legitimate complaints about drunken or talkative servers, sexually, homophobic or racially offensive owners, etc. It was my job to answer them. This was a rare treat:)
Dear Mr. Codswallop:
It was with great distress that I learned of your unsatisfactory experience at our restaurant recently. Fortunately I was one of the parties present upon your arrival, and have some first-hand knowledge of the events of which you speak. I believe in your letter you referred to me as "Snobby".
As you so carefully detailed your experience with us, let me take a few moments to detail our experience with you.
You walked in to our restaurant. I inquired if you had a reservation and you denied it adamantly in an offended tone of voice, then asked to look at our menu. Your wife chaperoned the children, I'm guessing 2 and 4, rather unsuccessfully as she was soon yelling "Tiffany, Dakota, NOOO!" at the top of her lungs while they waved the polished crystal decanters above the marble floor. Such precious little imps. You asked about Pizza, I apologized and said no. You asked about High Chairs, I apologized and said no. You asked about Spaghetti and Meatballs, about children's menus, and again I had to apologize and say no. You asked about a dress code, and I reassured you we don't have one, that said, you and your wife both looked as if you were taking the piss a bit, her, all 300+ pounds of her factory extruded into those skin-tight red velour pajamas, and you with your intellectual looking tweed jacket and possibly the lengthiest comb-over I've seen in my life. Were you on your way to a slumber party, or were you just returning from a photo shoot for the "People of Wal-Mart"?
We're not a kids restaurant, the decor, the ambiance, the linen table cloths and napkins, the candles, the formal dress of the servers and the business-casual of the clients should have given it away. The lack of high chairs, children's menus, bibs, the lack of any obvious play area or ball room (although your kids made do nicely in the foyer), these also could have been taken as "Clues". Clearly the tweed jacket wasn't working for you that day.
The "greasy cook" you referred to, who suggested we seat you in the private room, that was the owner. He's frequently in the front of the restaurant to greet the customers. Given your general dress and demeanor he felt it would probably be most comfortable for you as well as for the rest of our customers who made a reservation, woke up, shaved, showered, got dressed, and hired a sitter and before coming out to eat. While I certainly admire your desire to share the finer things in life and train your children in the art of dining out, we'd prefer you brought your children out AFTER they were trained. Nobody wants to sit next to someone elses kids screaming and flinging food about the restaurant.
You noted that "Never in your 43 years of dining out" had you ever felt so insulted. I would like to make an observation here. No one in our restaurant in any way insulted you. That was the owners call, and I agree with him. Judging from the way you and your wife were huffing and puffing when you entered the door, a more plausible statement might be "At no time in my 43 years of dining out have I had to get out of my car...". How many times did you circle the restaurant looking for a drive through window?
I regret Mr. Codswallop that am obliged to deny your demands for satisfaction, the dining experience we create would be entirely undermined by your suggestions that we provide high chairs, pizza, meatballs, bibs, kids menus and a play area. As you yourself observed "You'd heard good things about us". If you heard good things about us it's entirely due to the fact we don't target you or your children as our clientele.
If, in future, should you and your wife care to hire a sitter and perhaps get dressed we would love to have you as customers. Please note reservations are recommended.