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Goodbye Pumpkin
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Miscellany
- Hits: 1822
It had to happen. I knew, hoped, waited patiently for the day, and my daughter has come back from her vacation and retrieved her cat.
I was worried, perhaps they were having too much fun without him, perhaps they'd just let me look after him for the rest of the summer, what if they had an accident and Pumpkin became my ward?
I was right, somewhat, they were back, but in no rush to recover their cat. But a deal's a deal and finally after much negotiating they showed up to reclaim him.
He looked a bit confused, like he didn't really want to go, but I went out of my way to help him into his carrier...
Finally.
I mean, and I know it's true, this is entirely a matter of personal prejudice. 100%. For some reason I just didn't click with him. I liked him, well enough for a cat, although he annoyed me with the games he played with Princess, sitting in the front doorway with his head lowered and growling so she couldn't get in, staking out my bed so she couldn't curl at the foot...
Sometimes she'd just have enough and there'd be a fight, she'd win, he'd back down, go and hide, but usually she'd just avoid him. Couldn't be bothered.
He's a good cat. True, weighing in at over 20 lbs he might be considered a trifle obese, but what's that? He was affectionate. If you like that.
And by affectionate I mean this is a cat that should be brought round to cancer wards to cuddle with terminal children. They'd love him. They'd never have seen a cat like this before, and could spend their days cuddling and petting him and marvelling at the resemblance to Garfield (less, of course, Garfield's meagre wit)...
He'd love it too. Being petted all day long, the center of attention...
2 weeks I've had him. Evey night he surreptitiously slips into my bed, bringing with him that unwiped-cats-ass smell, his matted fur with the bits of kitty litter clinging to his butt...
If you got past the unchanged litter box smell there was another smell, "Highlights" they call it in the cologne industry, of damp wool overcoat.
I have to wash the sheets on my bed.
Every night he'd sit in the living room, pretending to be sleeping on the sofa while I worked on the computer. And when I was done I'd shut it down and try to stealthily slip past him, he'd continue pretending to be sleeping while I brushed my teeth, but when I went to the bedroom I'd find him already curled up on the bed. Looking at me expectantly. And when I lifted him, shoved him over, he'd crawl back again, head-butt me, try and sit on whatever book I was reading, try it again and again until maybe I'd give up or maybe he'd just give up and poke his head under my arm as if he were reading along....When I was done reading it would be time to play, he'd purr loudly and writhe obscenely upon the bed, like an expectant lover, on his back, legs splayed, on his side and batting my face with his paws, licking my face, my arms, my hands and my feet....
It was disgusting.
If I was up late he'd come in, mew to distract me, bang his head upon my arm (there was no way he could leap upon the desk..), try to climb into my lap and be petted. If I let him he'd sit in front of the computer as well, (having to reach around his ponderous bulk to the keyboard), put his chin on the desk and gaze boredly at the screen, occasionally using his paws to swipe at the keys or mousepad....
He definitely thought he was a person. And I can totally see it, although I'm stumped wondering who....
Occasionally he'd go outside. Not often, just once in a while. Sitting in the garden sniffing flowers, as if trying to convince me there was a poets soul there.
Or mealtimes, going to his dish, from behind his fat frame and striped tail made him look like a giant racoon....
In the kitty litter box, or half in, as he never could fit, not at all shy, scratching the litter all over the hall before searching me out, mewing at me to be petted some more, brushed, tickled....
He was insatiable.
I wish I could say that I'd miss him but somehow I'm glad he's gone. It'll be a lot more peaceful here. And there's Princess, sadly neglected, when petting her always aware of his suspicious, hissing stare from across the room. Head lowered, eyes big and glowering.
Goodbye Pumpkin!
Of me & Brad Pitt
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Dreams
- Hits: 1500
Probably this is related to the book "Fight Club" I picked up at a garage sale yesterday. I started to read it last night, Pumpkin (my daughters cat) had other ideas, after a couple of firm "No"!'s I exiled him from the bedroom and read the first couple of chapters. So far it reads well.
In the middle of the night I had a dream, I woke, made some mental notes, fell back asleep, and now will recapture what I can remember of it....
Me and Brad Pitt were picking up our kids from some Camp in the South West. I don't know what city, just that we were in the South West and we lived in the South East.
It was a Zoo camp, they had converted a giant wave pool to hold hippopotomases and other animals, giant atriums ... At night, when the kids were all out of the pool, done playing with the animals, they filled it with lentils and beans, these would germinate into sprouts by morning and be used to feed the wildlife...
It's dark outside and we've missed the bus, just him and me, somehow the kids must have caught it because the pool is deserted and so we have to set out to home on foot. I offer to help him find his way, I know where he's staying, he explains, it's by a client of mine in the country and I think that "damn, that's a ways" but I don't want to let him down, so we start walking, looking for a place where we can hail a bus....
Will Ferguson - Happiness
- Details
- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Books
- Hits: 1316
Now I've read Will before, and to my surprise quite liked him. So when I found this at a garage sale I was pleased, a bit of light reading, something to pass the time away from the computer...
But it was disappointing. Very disappointing. Exactly what I had feared when I read his first book. Jocular, filled with the kind of banter that perpetually falls flat, almost as if it were trying too hard to be funny. Large themes handled with small characters and witless dialogue.
The premise is that an editor (Edwin de Valu) for a publishing house (Panderic) publishes a piece of rubbish called "What I learned on the Mountain", a self help book that will cure everything from obesity, smoking, self image, finances, etc, only this self help book works and the plot centers around the mayhem that ensues. There's potential here.
And I read it and I read it, hoping it would get better, a satire on the Self Help and New Age movement, the satirical observations only slimly veiled, (The "Chicken Broth" series, for example), the occasional stabs at insight all but damned, then, when realizing it wouldn't get better, at best peaking at "Mildly amusing, but I've started it now and had better finish...."
Examining the cover. Published by Penguin, he's come up in the world, a plain red-white striped cover, this from the back jacket:
"Light Blue for big ideas Green for crime Orange for fantastic fiction"
Fantastic in this instance obviously means "In no ways related to reality....' and is in no way is to be interpreted as a reflection on the quality.
The funny thing is, he can write. He can clearly express good ideas, there are good ideas in the book, but their development, the dialogue, the characters, all, well...
Never mind. Ironic in that while satirizing the publishing industry for publishing any drek provided it sells, the prose in this book sets forth to prove the point
Despite it's attractive cover I'd give it a single rotten banana peel. Don't slip up and buy it.
Multi-Family Garage Sale
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Miscellany
- Hits: 1899
I'm supposed to be going to pick up my cheque, but I'm waylaid by the many garage sale signs along the way. And stopping in, filling bags, returning home to unload, the fever returns, it's been months since I've been garage saling, finances have forbidden, they still forbid it but I have some loose change, one doesn't pay the rent with loose change, but one can buy some temporary distractions, ....
And I keep going, nowhere near picking up my cheque but canvassing the neighborhood in ever growing spirals...those few advertised garages sales have been cancelled without notice, but others have sprung up in their place.
There's one, a "Multi-Family" garage sale. I find a few books, nothing really, but then there's this one...
"How to achieve Multiple Orgasms Every Time"
Now I have absolutely no use whatsoever for this, rare enough I have even single orgasms. But I pick it up, curious, and begin to flip through it. I ask the lady running the sale
"This Yours?"
She nods somewhat sheepishly.That's the thing about Multi-Family garage sales, they allow you to unload the most intimate and personal rubbish without directly accepting responsibility. Want to unload some old and crusty penthouse magazines? Heavily used "Massage Wands"? Books about impotence, divorce, coping with adultry, herpes, overcoming drug addiction, haemorrhoids? Do it at the Multi-Family Garage Sale.
I flip the pages. They're filled with "Joy of Sex" type illustrations, poorly drawn pictures that somehow remove all of the appeal of sex.
"Does it work?" I ask ...
"Yes" she confesses.
"What about this technique?..." And I show her the illustration.
"Um..."
"If I had to take away one lesson from this book, what would it be?"
She's blushing and tongue tied. I continue.
"Don't all women have multiple orgasms anyways? Shouldn't need a book for this...Where's your husband?"
There are other customers, she's getting embarassed and as there's no more room in my bag I put it back, thank her for her patience and continue.
It's a good day. I mean good in a small way, some winter coats for my daughter, a couple of nintendo DS games for the boy, some miscellaneous books ("The Wisdom of Confuscious", a 40's edition with nicely embossed cover). And there's the helmet. Pictured above, modelled by me. A helicopter pilots helmet. I wear it now like a bike helmet, visor down, probably not roadworthy (but it'd save your life if you fell from 10, 000 feet out of the sky, go figure), carry it into StarBucks when I meet my eccentric friends, explain that I've just parked my chopper on the roof/around the corner/ just out of sight and if only they'd brought their helmets I could have taken them for a spin.....
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