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- Written by: Rod Boyle
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The nephew inundates me with recommendations for my viewing pleasure.
I don't know where he finds time for all of this, and where he thinks I'll find time, but he's forever suggesting TV shows and movies for me to watch. I've sent him a few links, generally of interest to him, and he's reciprocating after his own fashion.
His favorite shows at the moment - "My Strange Obsession" and "Strange Sex", I have to see them, and so in a narrow window of time between better things to do and do I have the motivation and energy to do them I search a few on YouTube.
Excerpts with titles like: "Fur Suit Fetish", "Rocks for Dinner", "An Adult Baby", the TLC - The Learning Channel Logo in the corner of the screen, as if this is something to copyright or be proud of in any way, as if, in any way, this represents or passes for learning or curiosity. YouTube automatically recommends further related videos in a long column on the right, Go and go and never end...the well, the depths of the interweb are filled with niche programs that entirely misinform one's worldview. So this is where he gets it. More links on the right - Strange Sex - "Well Hung" and "The Girl with Two Vaginas", every click and clip leads you further down the well.
So now I know what he's talking about and while I won't suffer any more of the Intellectual degradation I've at least done my bit - I have to wonder, though, whether all this media attention is marginalizing or normalizing the disorders it's portraying? Something to consider when I'm a little less queasy...
He asks if I've seen the show, I have, the same excerpts at least that he's been referring to, he doesn't want my opinions, he's already digressing - "you know White Snow?" and I'm thinking it's a movie about Coke, like Blow, but it's not, after some miming and more miscommunication he's talking about "Snow White, the one of the last great Italian Porno's, it's not so much a porno because it's pretty weird but....you can find it on Elephantlist, it's rare, you'll thank me buddy..."
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
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The nephew's a bit obsessed, he'd been up late online the night before doing some research.
"Search necrofagia" he tells me, and explains: "it's people who like to eat their own shit..." .
I'm not going to search it, I'm not even slightly interested, but he's not taking no for an answer, he has some questions:
"Why they have such big hands?..."
Apparently the shit eaters have unusually large hands, and I keep alternately tapping my wrist ("Awake or Sleeping?") and trying to escape him, but he's following me around. I don't know that they do have unusually large hands, I only know that he's sort of the Italian equivalent of Karl Pilkington who somehow absorbs inane and irrelevant facts before disgorging his preposterous misinterpretations of them...
I try to change the subject, anything would be better than this and there's hours to go before the restaurant opens and he's showing no signs of giving up...
I give him the idea of a Nazi Based Theme restaurant, he's been of late talking of bringing in giant Swastikas to hang in the entryway, it's another interest of his. He wants to hang a big poster of Mussolini on the wall, he's just not sure his uncle would go for it. He loves the idea of a Nazi themed restaurant, mentally develops the idea, big marble floor with inlaid Swastika, giant double eagles, waiters dressed as SS, bars of soap piled in the lobby, he'd call it the Fourth Reich, design wise it would be a masterpiece but he doubts he could get planning permission, a shame though...
He doesn't let the fact that he's not on any list of the master race dissuade him, the fact that while in the old world notion of white supremacy he might not have been the first target, in no way would he have ever been allowed to survive or breed, it wasn't all about race after all...
His ignorance and racism, they're alternately charming and offensive, but this little SS fantasy restaurant idea of his, it can only distract him for so long. He's back onto the Necrofagia...
"Come to the office, I show you..."
We end up in the bosses office, googling necrofagia. There's no such thing as NSFW here, the whole job is NSFW.
"...necrophagy is the act of eating the flesh of a dead animal."
Now he's stumped, this isn't what he was looking for...we search a little further, the term he was thinking of was Coprophagia.
But there's no mention of the big hands, and here he's again stumped, he's going to send me some links, maybe he's wrong but ...
This not finding the information he wanted, it's quieted him for a bit, he'll do some more research, despite my pleadings of disinterest, he wants to know, not why they eat their own shit (perhaps this he can understand), but why they have such big hands. And I joke with the hostess that she should be careful lest the nephew invite her over for dinner, I can only hope that this occupies his mind a little less thoroughly than the Monkeys at the Zoo did...
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Television, it's the common point of reference. It's what people who have absolutely nothing in common discuss when they have to work together.
For M and G it's the game last night - "Did you see it?". "No" I reply "I don't have a TV"
For Z it's the latest Bollywood film or Hollywood Blockbuster .... "Have you seen...it was on TV last night?".
"No" I reply "I don't have a television".
A thousand times the same questions, related to last nights programming, the answers always the same but nobody ever hears me.
"Oh my God have ever seen "Strange Sex"?" Begins the nephew, and no amount of denial will save me from what's coming.
"There's this guy, he's got the biggest cock in the world, ..." and here he pinches the flesh of his thigh beneath his trousers to give me some idea...
"And there's this girl with no vagina and there's this lady who can have orgasms by herself and she teaches classes and there's this guy..."
"....he has sex with his car, they show him underneath it kissing and hugging it...."
He's doing a standing interpretation of the TV show for me.
"It's not even a nice car, like a Ferrari or something, it's just an old car...."
Somehow I gather from this that sex with cars is not so unusual, only sex with ugly cars is, which standards seem to run counter to his philosophy with women, there all makes or models are somehow beautiful...
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Sometimes people ask me where I've acquired such unrelated skills as my fluency in French, singing, dancing, balloon blowing and magic tricks.
It's tough to explain, really, I'm more at a loss as to why others aren't similarly gifted.
My line is simple, I tell them I attended the Marcel Marceau Mime school in Paris for a few years, got expelled when I accidentally swore during a routine in front of some children. After that, even living in Paris became hell, it's as if the Mimes were trying to run me out of town, following me about everywhere with their big baguettes and oversized shoes, mocking me as it were.
It was just easier to come to Canada.
A surprising number of people buy it.
Z's bought it, the newer East Indian waiter, he follows me around asking me questions about it until I explain that I was just kidding, I never attended the Marcel Marceau mime school, I don't know how I came by such an inane repertoire of tricks.
"But you could you know" he tells me...."You have that face...."
He's just trying to be nice. He's not letting it go. Now I must have the face of the sad clown, because his tone has gone from nice to conciliatory....
"You know, you could still study it on your own..."
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A mind-numbingly boring night at work has just been saved by the nephew.
I've been saving the scraps from the tables, bits of chicken, veal, filet, for the cats at home. It has to be better than the storebought crap, and they don't seem to mind, the nephew's noticed them and asked me what I'm saving them for...
"for the cats" I tell him.
- "Cats don't eat meat." he tells me. This is the moment that saves the night.
"Really?" I ask. "What do they eat?"
- "I don't know, they don't eat meat.". He's adamant.
"Do they like carrots? Broccoli? Pieces of lettuce?"
- "They don't eat RED meat..."
Now he's covering his ass, he's suspecting that he might be wrong, doesn't want to be entirely wrong and so he's qualifying....
"Your cat, Marvin, he ran away...." I'm starting to understand why. In the beginning it was a mystery, the Nephew loved him, hell, had even ordered him a Santa outfit online, cost of $300.00, but the cat had run away, he's seen him since then in the neighborhood, but the cat wants nothing to do with him. I'm imagining the cat, going about it's cat life, unable to stomach the carrots and salads the nephew makes for it to eat, waiting, as it were, for the door to be opened so it could escape...
- "I never see a cat eat meat"
"What about the mice and birds they kill? Why does cat food come in meat flavours, like beef and chicken and turkey and tuna...?"
- "I never see a cat eat. Sure, they kill, hundreds, but they never eat..."
"What about Lions and Tigers? What do they eat?"
- "They are not the same as a cat...."
He's going to check it later on Google. He's sure they don't eat meat, but I've raised some doubts.