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- Written by: Rod Boyle
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Now as insane as the nights out with staff are (and they are - completely - entirely - predictably insane), there's another group of people the staff occasionally party with - that's the customers.
And these stories, they're completely fucked up.
Completely.
The girls - waitresses, have a few - dropping off drunken customers, popping in for a drink (and who, after all, isn't curious how the other half lives?) - mad groping with drunken older men, strange exhibitionists, ridiculously weird circumstances that they're loathe to confess but must make their working life a bit of a hell - the customers, the male ones anyways, generally transparent in their ludicrous expectations.
And there's the Nephew and G, who've probably created as many stories amongst the female clientele as the male customers did amongst the female staff.
There was a time, rumours, of a previous manageress who - for a small (or large) sum of money and the right amount of wine could be bribed into certain acts, but she's long gone. Still, you only need to get lucky once and you'll try and try again, and I'm not certain that our current employees are above the same sort of prostitution, their shock and awe more directed at the lack of material benefit than at the preceding invitations...
The boys, they've been out with the women, then there's the big night out with the male customers, a group of well-heeled regulars who take G and the Nephew along for a late night, talks of blow, the calling of prostitutes and the reputed dubious sexuality of the one customer who declined to partake, passing his along to another and contenting himself with watching in a housecoat....
I've never been on any of these excursions, late night safaris with customers, my rather aloof demeanor keeps me safe from any invitations and when they come I merely treat the customer as drunk and help them to call a cab. It's not worth giving any of them a ride home, I have to trust the second hand reports, they are - if anything - dumbed down for my consumption.
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It's staff tryouts, we've just hired a pile of new staff and are trying them out one by one to see how they'll work.
This one, she's a pretty young student, of east Indian descent, she's going to be a broadcaster. She's studying at SAIT and wants to work part time, that's perfect, we have a part time position available....
Now she's pretty, and that's not a good thing, because the staff - read the Nephew and G - will probably overlook any number of imperfections in their quest to get her into bed. This works for them, me, I'm a bit more cynical, I want someone who can work - and work fast and well.
That's just me. I'm insane.
So they're chatting her up, ice-skating is the topic, she talks about her dread about falling on her face:
"I could fall on my face....ON MY FACE...then what would I do? Work in Radio?"
I only overhear these things, I don't make them up.
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Now I've had this conversation before, a few times if memory serves, but she's not letting it go.
She's generous with her unsolicited criticism, inventorying my faults, some real, most imagined, her unending list of trivial complaints, when asked what she wants (more money perhaps?) she changes her tack.
She has vicious little oratories on the high road of the exemplary path she's taken, I should profit by her example, learn from her.
"THE PROBLEM WITH YOU IS..."
and she starts again, taking liberties with a friendship based soley on the mutual interest of our child, she lectures, prevaricates, I try to look interested, don't contradict her or point out the many blind alleys she roams down, it's mind numbing and tragic all at the same time.
I'm well aware my faults, both real and imagined, but to have to listen to the inventory of them by a vindictive ex, sometimes it's too much.
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I'm not here for this one, but it's been well reported to me.
P & C have come into the restaurant, a superficially attractive couple in their early forties. By attractive I mean that the boys have all agreed they'd happily shag C, me, I'm not so attracted, she has that shallow smile and look of perpetual boredom upon her face that I find horribly unattractive.
And they're not the best customers, in fact no one can remember the last time they ordered something off the menu. Their water, provided gratis by the restaurant, needs to be without ice and with slices of lemon upon the side. Their ridiculous requests, usually made when the kitchen is far too busy to accommodate them, have the owner screaming at staff in the back. They can hear, they think it's funny.
This night they're bored, they talk to the Boss's nephew - "Is Rod Gay?" they ask, "He seems a bit...".
I'm not there, I wouldn't be offended if I was, I'd just politely tell P that he was out of luck. The nephew, he says he doesn't think so, I have children...
"What about you...?" they ask teasingly ..."You seem a bit.."
The nephew looks at them. "Give me 5 beer and your wife for 5 minutes and I'll show you...." he says to P.
They're shocked, flabbergasted, and from the look of perpetual boredom I've seen upon C's face I more than half suspect she'd offer to bring the beer if only...
The table beside them, 10 businessman, they're laughing uproariously, it's too funny.
P is beside himself, can't find words, finally: "That's not funny..." he says, but the Nephew has left, offended, they quickly finish their meal, pay and leave, there's the hope amongst all the staff that this might finally have been the last of them.
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The bosses nephew, he's obsessed, he's told me this story a hundred times and it's every time as funny as the first. They definitely made an impression.
"Oh my God you would not believe it...the little children are crying, the old people are..." and he's explaining about the time he and his girlfriend were at the Calgary Zoo and the chimpanzees began having sex.
'then 5 monkeys come out and the female monkey, she knows.... Oh my God, you have to call the zoo and find out when they are going to have sex again and go down to see....I have seen Giraffes fucking and Elephants fucking on the National Geographic channel on TV, but I never see nothing like this...."
I'm curious, not to see the chimps fucking (the thought of discreetly interrogating the wardens to find the best time to visit is surreal, to say the least), but what it is that has so shocked him.
He finishes: "Two things you must see before you die. The monkeys fucking at the Zoo and the donkey show in Tijuana. They have special donkeys...."