Home
The King of Balfour
- Details
- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Miscellany
- Hits: 553
The Jackpot has been carried forward. Goddamn!
My numbers, they didn't come up and now I'm committed, what if the lotto was won with my numbers, or they came up and I didn't play them? You hear of it all the time....
I'm damned. At least until somebody wins.
I told the customers, "The Coronation is taking place at the Superette, just before I don't go to work..."
And now I've had to defer it. It's not a big deal, really, a surprising number of villagers didn't turn out for my much-anticipated Coronation on Saturday. And I'd so prepared:
"Thank you, loyal subjects and humble peasants that have come for my coronation...your virtues and good judgement are not unrecognized, and will be amply rewarded..."
As I kneel before the lotto-ticket-verifying-machine...
It's a bit much for the Superette, and they're losing patience with me.
Meanwhile, at work we're laying all sorts of plans for my impending Kingship. Chris, by means of sportive competition, has declared himself "Duke of Balfour", and I can sort of see it, after the Duke Character in Huck Finn.
I use the extra time wisely, I have surreptitiously applied the King's touch to the entire town of Balfour and cured it - entirely - of Scrofula.
And I educate the staff. "Teach the girl to curtsy!" I tell Ken when the Kitchen help fail to acknowledge my presence. He apologizes for me, then tells me later that he could teach them, he watched an entire episode of "Game of Thrones" dedicated to the subject...
I forgive them. They are but Scullery maids, educated by none-other than Quasimodo.
Ken doesn't get this, and so I explain. As I must whenever the pop-culture reference don't involve spaceships and easy alien-girls.
I devise names for the villagers.....so-and-so keeps chickens, and so I call them "The Poulterer", and so and so fishes, and becomes "The Fishmonger", and as King I feel delighted to be so in tune with my humble, adoring Villagers.
There is, of course, a back-up plan. Just in case I don't win the full 70 Million (which a quick Google search suggests I may not have...). The plan for subsidiary prizes:
The Marquis De Balfour, with a list of sexual deviances that I intend to popularize (De Sade didn't INVENT Sadism, he merely POPULARIZED his vices...), so that every working girl will know the trick when a client asks for a "Lord Balfour" or, quite simply, a "Balfour".
But here I'm a little confounded. And I'm needing a little inspiration - or a lot, and I'm sure it will come. Meanwhile I'll content myself with asking every reasonably attractive girl for a "Lord Balfour" and see what comes up...
Lottomax
- Details
- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Blog
- Hits: 539
I'm sorry, but this may be my last post for a while.
Tomorrow I intend to win the LottoMax 70 Million Dollar Grand Prize, as well as a few of the subsidiary prizes (Maxmillions, Extra's, Etc.).
This wasn't an easy decision, but it made sense what with the restaurant getting crazy busy and all and me having other, more important things to do.
"Enough is Enough" as the saying goes, and as I've done my stint in poverty I'm overdue for a change of pace.
This is how I did it.
- I put myself into a hypnopompic state and visualized the winning lottery numbers. Actually I just let numbers drift into my field of view and wrote them down.
- I picked the numbers most likely to win based on the numbers that had won most often in the past.
- I assigned numbers to a deck of cards and did myself a 7 card Tarot reading. One card (the king of clubs) didn't fit, so I drew another.
3 Forms of divination. 3 winning tickets. And a lot of quick picks and Extras.
I have seen the Kingdom of the Lord and it is bounteous and if Ye should right your ways and Tarry with me I will show you wonders....
Following the purchase of said numbers and ceremonial burning of the tickets (used for my purchase) I returned home to recline in my poverty. I will miss it.
Actually, Nope, Nope I won't. Not one bit. Not a single iota.
First thing I intend to do with my winnings is to buy a couple of dozen of the high end sex dolls from the USA. Silicon. Top of the Line. Every sex, race and flavor. And then have a midsummer rave/solstice party at Ken's. Invite the entire town to attend.
And then? And then. You just wait and see...
(**Went outside for a fag in the gloaming. And there was a shooting star. So, yeah, I won. I WON!!!!)
Cottonwood Market
- Details
- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Miscellany
- Hits: 842
Days off, spent prospecting - East Shore, looking and not finding. Have to return to the Smoky Quartz place, there's a bonanza there - but where precisely?
Up the Forestry Service Roads, nothing of interest.
Digging in the East Shore Lake gravels - Brad had mentioned some big garnets, but not here, not where I'm digging, and prying him to be a little more precise only to find that he's not so familiar with the East Shore, vague instructions like "by the old store" or "it's near a village..." don't narrow it down for me, but when I get the jeep back I have some Ideas...
One trip to Revelstoke, a few sideroads near there, but the jeep is overheating again, plumes of antifreeze gusting from the radiator, and I'm forced to take it easy or I'll be rolling baby back home again. That said, the discovery of some what I suspect to be "Tantalite" crystals in feldspar, rare enough, and curious enough that it might be worth finally staking a claim.
Saturday Mornings, Garage Sales, few enough, this year most people have decided merely to update their free piles. Thrifting, a fine pair of antique candlesticks, a new shape to my collection, if you saw them, unremarkable, but - see a few hundred and you start to recognize those that are distinct. A Patek Philippe - fine knock off, self winding, cobbled together features of different watches - dials, skeleton backs, logos, all under the "Patek Philippe" logo - clearly a knock off and I have to buy it, it reminds me of a Patek Philippe/Seiko I spotted trekking in Nepal, somebody was unsure which watch was the more expensive and so decided upon some ghastly hybrid that sported both logos. This year, so far, has been fine for watches.
Cottonwood Markey buying local, - dandy-lion jams, pickled spruce-tips, lilac jelly's, $25 Hot Sauce - WTF? I can't conceal my shock - goddamn, do you snort it or eat it my man? I should have asked the price first...!!!
Days off in the happiest place on earth.
***
Work, unpredictable. Indoor dining has resumed. The weather, sunny, nice, the patio full, tables scattered on the beach. The owner's son helps out, then takes a break to go upstairs and "work on the new menu".
"If your busy just call upstairs" he says.
What he means is:
"If your busy AND you see a meteor AND a giant dragon-lizard rises out of the lake AND a giant gorilla rises out of the other end of the lake AND they start to fight AND you see the ferry capsize THEN call me upstairs....".
He really doesn't want to be there. Nothing worse than having a family business that nobody in the family wants to run or work in.
The customers are good. Generous. Maybe because so far it hasn't been so crazy that I haven't been able to give good service. Maybe because finally having a place to live in Nelson means they're not noticing the pungent aroma of sleeping in a hammock. Maybe just because it's finally nice to see a familiar face. Or, what with the masks and all, it's easier to enjoy their meal without seeing my face.
The Jeep, needing yet another radiator, thermometer, clutch fan, in the shop for a week. A week overlapping 2 weekends, meaning more time at home, less on the road. Work, leave early because the buses are intermittent. Sunday's nonexistent, stick out a thumb, 2 consecutive rides get me there 10 minutes quicker than the bus.
This jeep, I've found my Kootenay Gold-Mine, only you need to be a mechanic to see the profits.
***
When it's slow Chris and me ride Ken. "Zoophilia" I ask Ken, by way of explaining his horse-play, "Ponyamorous" counters Chris. Brilliant.
This devolves to Ken being a "Neigh-sayer" and not-very-"Neigh-borly" and "Neigh-gative"....
Ken wants us to move on, but I'm thinking we haven't even begun to scratch the surface. And his birthday is coming...
Youth and Decrepitude
- Details
- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: People
- Hits: 490
Changes, you notice them most in the young and in the old.
The restaurant is great for this. People you recognize as old one season are suddenly much, much older the next. And children quickly become young adults, young ladies who'd come in for a fries to-go and never tip suddenly begin eating in and tipping 20%. The changes are dramatic.
In people our own age we seldom notice change. They age pretty much like us, and unless we haven't seen them for a few years will probably recognize them pretty much as they were. But change accelerates when you get older, one slip or fall and decrepitude pounces.
Page 227 of 1021