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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: For Sale
- Hits: 741
I made a pitch to PornHub via "Mindgeek" and 1 month later they still haven't gotten back to me. Their loss, but maybe I shouldn't have written that million dollar cheque into the budget just yet...
FAO: Director of Merchandising, Pornhub
This is a merchandise pitch for one of your top visited websites, Pornhub.
Coming out of the Pandemic (Hopefully), Universities and Colleges will begin in person classes. Pornhub-U of course, being the Alma Mater of countless bored college students it seems only right they have recourse to celebrate their graduation.
What better way to commemorate the Pandemic and those happy years of online instruction than with a PornHub-U Alumni Sweatshirt?
"Pornhub-U - Class of 2022", with a Thumbs-Up Emoji in the center and your catchphrase "Hands On Distance Learning" seems ideal. Of course room should be left for any of the Latin phrases and degrees you might care to bestow, things like "Veni, Vedi, Veni" or "Magna Cum Laude", which could be plausibly typeset to read "Mommy Cum Louder", because, really, who reads these things anyways?
Please do not hesitate to call and discuss royalties.
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: For Sale
- Hits: 573
(Trying to sell this goddamn thing on Kijiji and Facebook only they limit my description)
- - Spacious Outdoor Bathroom & Kitchen
- - Excellent for foraging
- - 1 time only close to whatever Amenity your heart so desires.
- - Winter Tires (read: Doesn't need any tires put it up on blocks wow this is a gold mine already!!!!)
- - Roof Rack (read: Abundant storage)
- - 5 Seats, the 3 back of which fold down to accommodate whatever shade of Kootenay Polyamory you're into.
- Details
- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: For Sale
- Hits: 9
(Trying to sell this goddamn thing on Kijiji and Facebook only they limit my description)
(**Update: Nah,Facebook keeps taking it down after 100 or so likes/shares. Bastards!!)
For Sale: One '94 Jeep Grand Cherokee.
JEEP: 1 Brake compromised by leaking bejeezuz fluid, How many brakes do you need? I just hang my foot/leg/Peg out the drivers side door and let it drift down the mountain. Never had a problem. gapped out, grew numb and heard the "mwah mwah mwah" of the mechanic, Jalopy, Odometer: Works, Trip Meter: Works (You'll be needing that, more on it later), Fuel Guage: Full until about 60 KM after filling at which it shows empty. See Trip Meter. Ashtray: Glorious! NEVER FAILED ME YET! Cigarette Lighter: Replaced fuse, now works, use lighter. Radio: Works, Headlights: On/Off, Wipers: Work, Windshield: Present, Electric Windows: Work but use the ashtray, Doors: Open. Um, don't open that....Majestic, Motor Horse, Gallant Iron Steed, Steel Chariot of Fury, Chariot of the Gods, Thrilling: It got me here, now will it get me back? Millstone of infinite debt, Wallet of vanishing savings, Kootenay Gold Mine,
$5000 dollars. They called me every day to advise me how much the estimate has increased, and I "Sure, go-ahead" them every time. They asked for an advance. Why not? I'm a good faith customer. I love this jeep. I only wanted trouble free motoring.
...DOn't lowball me, I know what I have here, don't go trying to dicker me down...back whumping: Comes with 4 litres of oil, (why fix the seals, just top it up every other fill), half a litre of Windshield wiper fluid, transmission fluid (which never leaked or looked dirty, so - what the fuck?), 2 Litres Antifreeze, 3/4 tank of gas (Trip reads 75 KM), The false hope of a broken U-Joint, My investment in trouble-free motoring...4 winter tires, Thule Roof Rack, Lightbar,
Become a Kootenay Landlord and rent it out! park it on your property/the street, find a family of 4 new to the area, (Check Facebook: "Hi I'm rachel and this is Marky and our dog frenzy and our babies twaila and twinna and we've just moved to the area from hoboken and are looking for a " this baby could bring in $1200/Month easy! Or - hey - you greedy? Air BNB it!!!!
AND IT RUNS! Unprecedented for a car under $10,000 in BC! Yep, you can drive this baby home before you give it it's forever parking spot...
Worth it's weight in Gold to the aspiring young prospecter, by which I mean have it's weight in gold ready when you buy it, you'll need it for the mechanic.
Maybe there's a Canadian Tire magical additive that will restore your transmission and repair the oil leaks? And while you're at it improve your fuel mileage? Probably there are several, and for $100 worth of quack remedies this baby can be starring front-row-centre in "FURY ROAD 2 - REVENGE OF THE DOOF WARRIOR ..." about a malcontented guitarist with a flamethrowing guitar seeking revenge on an array of Bumblefuck Kootenay Mechanics...I'm willing to throw in the first draft for an extra $1000 and bring back the Baker Street Air Drummer to reprise his role in the back seat. Don't worry, he'll have his earbuds in.
Pictures of the Jeep are also available for purchase as Non-Fungible Tokens at a starting bid of $30,000 each. Some dents as per expected given it's extensive off-road explorations
They fixed the thingamajig, the whatchamacallit, the doo-hicky, the headlight (see photo), OMG, they did it all, and I looked forward to many years of trouble free motoring. (I have reciepts)
Fuel Filter, Cam Shaft Sensor, Motor Chariot, Iron Steed,
Twice voted the "Best looking prospector between Balfour and Ainsworth".
A friend "gifted" it to me, the way you might gift a white elephant or herpes or whatever to a close friend...Never look a gift horse in the mouth, but always, always look under the bonnet of a gifted jeep. No shit. And crawl underneath the fucker and open every door - and try and close it -
***
Investment Opportunity: Become a Kootenay Landlord! For a mere.... you could own this '94 Jeep Grand Cherokee. While you'll be able to drive it home the failing transmission doesn't recommend taking it on any long-haul journeys.
That said:
- Spacious Outdoor Bathroom & Kitchen
- Excellent for foraging
- 1 time only close to whatever Amenity your heart so desires.
- Winter Tires (read: Doesn't need any tires put it up on blocks wow this is a gold mine already!!!!)
- Roof Rack (read: Abundant storage)
- 5 Seats, the 3 back of which fold down to accommodate whatever shade of Kootenay Polyamory you're into.
Yep, that's right, this baby could be rented out tomorrow - earning you a cool $X000 per month. "TO WHOM? You ask? My God, they'll be lining up!!! Winter's almost here!!! You know that annoying facebook couple that post pictures of themselves with an ad that reads something like this:
"Hi My Name is KUKI and this is my boyfriend Adam although sometimes I call him "Madam" or "Madman" hahaha and this is our little chihuahua "FRENZY" hahaha that's not rabies he just ate a bat and you know we're looking for a place here in town to rent we'd like to move here I have my own business my "OnlyFans' page has almost 30 subscribers and Madam (hahaha) is going to be studying "The theory of Chiromancy" at Selkirk college next fall ideally we'd like to have a big yard and live close to cool like minded people like us we love it here so much and want to hear back from you soon."
Yep. Let them begin doing their time.
SO - that said, what say you pick up this little baby and let the rental income start pouring in...?
- Details
- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: For Sale
- Hits: 1248
The last few days, inexplicably weird.
Running out to cars to drop off junk, a clarinet, good but needs work, the client, sitting in his van while he looks it over...me in my green woolen hoody looking for all like that dodgy guy buying coke, or selling it, only me, I'm selling junk...
Well, be kind, not junk, stuff I'm done with, stuff I don't need, I need a life and there's no space for one here.
A previous customer, in for a half dozen items. He stands at the door and calls me "sir", he was waiting, it seemed, until he had the minimum number of items to come in for. When critical mass was reached he messaged me and came. He reminds me of the other stuff he bought, I remember, he's got a big house he needs to fill, he still waits at the door and calls me "sir". For a big guy he's surprisingly polite.
Another one, for a vacuum cleaner and a Bible Stand. He trips on the stairs, breaks the vacuum cleaner, but he's fine, he's fine, and he talks about some artists mannequins I'd had, he'd wanted, sold to a man who wanted a microphone stand and stainless steel meshed glove, he would have liked to pose them on his desk in sharing and helping poses. The vacuum cleaner, an unexpected success, 3 people wanted it in 20 minutes, the things I value, they sit for weeks, months even, the shit I hate, the day to day mundanities of life, others' can't wait to snap up.
Someone messages about the fountain pen, nice condition, he comes, picks it up, I show him others I haven't listed, he's travelling broke and so will come again the next day to look at them...
He messages me later, like me he's cash poor, asset rich, and would like to swap some solid silver Canadian $5.00 coins, valued at $30 - $35 apiece, and I say sure, I think he means just one for a pen he had his eye on. And he's not happy with the pen he bought, it doesn't work like he'd hoped, and so I arrange a swap for that as well. He returns, sorts through, some cuff links, pens, exchanged, a pocket watch, for 6 Silver 5$ coins, these go to the daughter, I need nothing.
Now a lady for the round stone spheres, she takes them all, Filipino, I show her geodes and she doesn't understand, what they are, and I explain they're stones, and she's dubious, ...
Then, the final customer of the day, someone texting me that they're coming at noon to look at a planter. And she shows up, a beautiful Japanese Canadian girl, and I've a brief flash of embarrassment at the state of the place, boxes still everywhere, and she's not here just for the stands, she wants to poke through the boxes, piles of stuff, and so I resume what I was doing, wrapping up things to be sent off, she's in the bedroom, there should be cues to stay out of the closet, then in the living room, in the end she builds a pile, old books, prints, ephemera, takes it all for $400 - cheap at double the price, but it wasn't selling, let it go, let it go, the deal's made and done, she drove here in a Porsche, I help her load up. She's furnishing a house she bought in the South with her husband.
She perplexes me. Most of the people wanting my shit, they're the same age as me, going through a different sort of mid-life crisis, I'm going the opposite way, cutting strings and ties, and I get them, old guys interested in watches, rocks, fountain pens, cufflinks, we're talking about my generation, but this girl -
...I don't know. She's interested in a couple of other pieces as well, curious, it's not often that I meet people so out of my box. But this is how it's done...
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: For Sale
- Hits: 2303
Lurid! Descriptive! And a damned sight better written than "50 Shades of Gray". But - sadly, the scenes are at best - well, lightly described and our poor protagonist could use some instruction in certain matters...
That said, this is the perfect book to whip out at your local cafe or while you're on the Bus to work. The cover just keeps on giving...
Yeah, haven't read this one. But again a great cover for reading in a coffeehouse...on the bus to work...in the unemployment line...in jail...
I actually know a lot of theatre people and I gotta say it's probably not at all fictional. In fact, I'll bet it doesn't even begin to cover some of the weird sh*t they get up to...I've read a couple of these, they're better written than "50 Shades...", but a lot less explicit, you're more or less just assured that everyone just grunted and had a good time.